Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Be Afraid.

"i'll be the last to help you understand/are you strong enough to be my man?" --Sheryl Crow

Today, I found myself thinking about how some women are constantly all "I think men are intimidated by me" and their friends are all [insert faux-concerned face] "You think so? You know what, you're probably right!". One of my good friends says this--that she intimidates men--pretty frequently, frequently enough that she has clearly moved beyond just thinking it and is actually totally invested in the theory. Now, the girl is whip smart, beautiful, and highly entertaining. So, practically speaking, one would think her hypothesis held some truth. Fast forward to the real truth and nothing but the truth and it might not be that men are intimidated by her so much as they're terrified of her. And not in a "she's so beautiful; what do I do?" kind of way, but in more of a Glenn Close/Carrie/Isla Fisher-in-Wedding Crashers kind of way. "I would fiiiind you!!"

Which got me thinking about my theory that all women are crazy and that it's only the manifestations and degrees of craziness that vary. As an unattached woman, I can never call the kettle black without glimpsing in a mirror. So I began to wonder: When it comes to my own personal craziness, is it all pretty innocuous or is there a bit of scary there? Why, yes, I realized, there most certainly is.

There are some pretty amazing things about me as a woman. I'm very smart, I like to think I'm funny, I'm fun, I'm attractive, I can cook my arse off, I'm deeply spiritual, generally chill, loyal, charismatic,and I love God, people, and kids (most of them at least). So what lies underneath, you ask? Why, let's see.

The Top Nine Scariest Things About Me As A Woman

9. I'm a writer. And I'm a pretty serious writer, seeing as how it's my actual career and not a hobby, and therefore I spend a lot of time in solitude, digging pretty deep, and the stuff that's excavated isn't always cute. Because of this--

8. I'm attracted to films like Crazy/Beautiful, When A Man Loves A Woman, and basically any film where a man deeply loves a woman who's a hot crispy mess of emotions and startlingly poor errors in judgment. Most terrifying is that I profoundly identify with these characters.

7. I'm a daddy's girl. Not in an obnoxious way, but I pretty much adore my father which might turn off a lesser man. Good thing I don’t deal with lesser men.

6. I suffer from terrifyingly real PMS. Not just PMS of the cramps-fatigue-can't-button-my-jeans variety, but like, PMDD. My hormones are totally whacked. I get hot as hell, crampy as hell, exhausted as hell, and worst of all, I get mad as hell. It truly is hell, and honestly, I really avoid just about everybody the first day and sometimes clear up until Day 3.

5. I love Mariah Carey. And that should scare every man. Not that men listen to her lyrics, but if they did, they would get a whiff of the creepiness that wafts from that obsessive, morbid vulnerability all women quietly pray doesn't bust out Spaceballs-style at the wrong moment. Mariah leaves blood on the floor with her heartbreak ballads; you can genuinely feel the gaping open wound that was her pride and semblance of dignity through the speakers. Chillingly, I admire this and can play her stuff on repeat for hours.

4. Deep down, I'm a drag queen. Not really, but kind of. I am in a long-term, serious relationship with hair and makeup and anything else related to beauty--and there's not a lot I won't sacrifice to make sure both are on point 99.99% of the time.

3. I'm OCD. Once I start something or set my mind to a task, I have an epic, autistic level of determination to get it completely done before I can eat, sleep, or use the bathroom. True story.

2. I'm a clean freak and get grossed out super easily. I struggle with this, because I realize I have largely unrealistic ideas about how clean other people should be, and when they aren't up to code I'm totally disgusted. I am particularly anal about feet and cannot get into a bed or any other enclosed space with someone who has not washed theirs. I can't tell you the silent screams deep within my soul when I behold an unkempt bedroom or bathroom. I think I may have missed my calling as a hotel maid. I get great satisfaction from making the unsanitary immaculate.

1. I talk to myself. A lot. Every day. I can't even tell you half of the conversations I have with me, but the dialogue (monologue?) is ongoing. In fact, this is one of my greatest fears about getting back into a relationship--I've doubted for years that anyone else but my ex could ever deal with the mild-to-moderate psychosis that is evident from my self-talk of homeless proportions.

And there you have it, all my crazy, encapsulated. At least I'm good in bed.

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Monday, October 1, 2012

Let's Talk Titties

"when i think about you i touch myself..."--The Divinyls

First off, as I put on my Facebook page and my other Facebook page, today begins Breast Cancer Awareness Month, a month concerning a disease I lost my mother to 20 years ago. She was diagnosed with the disease almost 30 years ago.

In that time, there have been countless advances. All of the "experimental" things her doctors tried in the near decade she fought this disease have been perfected in many ways and are now commonly used to treat and eradicate. So instead of starting this important month begging folks to pray and hope for a cure and run in races and turn Facebook pink and all of the other amazing things we do as a society to make this disease smaller--which is all wonderful, don't get me wrong--for a moment, I just want to stop and literally thank GOD for all we now know about this type of cancer, how often it's caught early, and how treatable it is when caught early. Breast cancer, while still scary and heinous, is no longer an automatic death sentence. Let's all give thanks to God, Jehovah Rapha (the Lord that heals), for that!

All that said, I want to encourage all the ladies to FEEL YOURSELF UP!!! Not like that...I mean, do what works for you--but like this:

Every month, post-period. Doing it about the same day in your cycle monthly will increase the chances of discovering any major changes in tissue or breast composition more quickly. Happy Boobies:)

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