Wednesday, October 2, 2013

The B Is for Bitter

"it's about time for a miracle..."--Beverly Crawford

1. Having or being a taste that is sharp, acrid, and unpleasant
2. Causing a sharply unpleasant, painful, or stinging sensation; harsh: enveloped in bitter cold; a bitter wind
3. Difficult or distasteful to accept, admit, or bear: the bitter truth; bitter sorrow
4. Proceeding from or exhibiting strong animosity: a bitter struggle; bitter foes
5. Resulting from or expressive of severe grief, anguish, or disappointment: bitter tears
6. Marked by resentment or cynicism: "He was already a bitter elderly man"

They say that everything you need to know you learned in kindergarten, and while that sounds cute and sells a lot of t-shirts, it's not true. Because as I closed out my twenties several weeks ago on the morning of my 30th birthday, clinging to one of the 12 pillows on my bed long after my daily automatic 8:30AM coffee brew had gone cold, I realized that the most important thing I've learned was taught to me by the unmistakable brutality of my current geographical location on the map of life. Latitudinal: decidedly unemployed. Longitudinal: decidedly unsexed. They meet at a little point named Malcontentment in a swarmy region I like to call Childless in Rapidly Declining Fertility.

There's a decades-long argument in the faux-feminist stratosphere (read: the place where otherwise eloquent women fill voids in their lives by writing books and essays rife with rhetorical questions) about whether or not the female sex can have its cake and eat it too. Regarding which, I've guilelessly believed that I would be a part of the vaginally-gifted population declaring "yes, we can". Why not? Can we have lives and children? Can we have children and jobs? Can we have careers and fun? Can we have husbands and sex? Can we have protein with carbs? There are just so many un-answers to the question of whether or not women can 'have it all'. But the crudity of my late twenties, markedly void of the elusive pot of gold the motion picture industry's been pushing since the early 20th century, has taught me a woman's most important lesson: not only can you not have it all, sometimes you can't have any of it.

Just one would make a difference. The dream job. The kid. Of course, at this point in my life, one actually would preclude the other--get the dream job and it would push babies even further down the line; have a kid right now and I'm almost guaranteed to end up on some sort of modern day bread line. I can't even take a man into account without chuckling at this point because even in my wildest dreams I can't imagine who would sign up for this freak show. And so, from the vantage point of my stunted, sexless, sexless existence, I have had to stop and realize I'm not alone. Many women are at a crossroads; other chicks are, like me, being tossed around by their circumstances and their hormones like a shrimpin' boat in a tempest.

So I've been toying with the idea of writing a book. Nothing else has panned out, so why not? I've tossed around a couple titles and decided to share a list of books I'm thinking of pitching, the titles of which are lines many women need to hear or have already heard and ignored, no matter where they are in life.

  • Pregnant Bridesmaids Make People Uncomfortable: When Your BFF Gets a YES on her EPT

  • I Might Not Even Let You Babysit: A Guide To Picking Godparents God Would Actually Pick 

  • You're Too Old To E-Stalk, But If We Do It Together It's Normal: Supporting Your Friends' Unnatural Fixation With Exes Who've Moved On

  • Cool Aunts Wear Skinny Jeans: Co-opting Other People's Children When Personal Options Are Few

  • You Know You Couldn't Afford That Wedding: Putting on Airs While Putting Off Home Ownership and Draining What's Left of Your Parents' Terminal 401K

  • The Vibrator Makes Me Cry: The Myth of Masturbation As A Viable Substitute 

  • Is This A Joke: A Daily Journal with Guided Meditation


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