Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Get Your Game Up

"i want it hard, mystical, tender, and correct/without expectations but all of them met..."--Tamia

I've been a writer since I was four years old, literally. At the age of four I wrote my first short story. As such, for years and years--until I was maybe about 22 or 23--I wrote every single day. Whether it was an article (I wrote for my school paper and literary magazines in HS and college), a short story, copy for television or my radio show in college, a song, or someone else's term paper (I did everyone's work, never charged and regret it now!), I put pen to paper daily. Maybe three out of seven days in a week, I'd write a poem. Of course, my last year of college was over six years ago, and I've written approximately one poem (other than songs, which don't count) in the past six years. But for some reason, this past Sunday night I felt something tugging at me and I couldn't wait to get home to write.

I was sitting in Kitchen 24 in Hollywood, just observing. Some guy was trying to talk to me and get my number, and he was nice and cool and sweet and bright and just the type of guy I'd go for if I wasn't me. There was even something vaguely cute about him, but I looked at him as he was speaking and just thought "no, this is not it." And I felt certain in that moment, as I always have, that when it is "it", I will know. Emphatically. It won't be hard, I won't have to be sold, it won't have to grow on me like fungus because God knows me and knows I don't live well in that environment. I will just know. Anyhow, out of that thought, I wrote a poem you'll find after the jump.

"Locked Up"

He locks eyes with me

and I find it impossible to look away

I try but

there's too much promise, too much potential in the steady tremble of my eyes. This man

is speaking to someone else, but looking at me and I am looking at him and we are looking at us

He stops talking because he must know my name, and I must tell him, and when he sits close to me

I feel all the space, the air bubbles, all the invisible holes from which leaks spring in my life

being filled

I don’t know what he will say, but I know how he'll say it

instinctively

The sensation of meeting him has altered something permanent

I will give him a way to contact me

He will give me a way to contact him

And the first time I'm alone with him

All I will think of is his smell…that intense scent of cologne purchased somewhere where it's sold exclusively, that odor of care and attention and sophistication

And when I'm alone after being with him, I will smell myself over and over and I will not wash the clothes that I wore when I was with him until I see him again

This man will have a voice: distinctive, sharp, intelligent, clear, direct, solid

And when he speaks I will believe it

And when he doesn't I will trust it

This man will call me first when things go South, if they go South

because he will trust me to pick up the pieces as he always does for me

He will trust that I am able to pick up pieces and get things gone

He will trust that I will fight for him

He will admire my principles, my morals, respect the things about me that I cannot change

and do not want to

He will be uncompromising, though easygoing

He will walk the same way down the street in the hood

as he does down Rodeo Drive

And the way he walks

that walk

will make those who pay attention to those kind of things

pay attention to him

This man will be sexy

truly sexy

There will be sex in his touch and his gaze and his voice and his smell and his clothes and his carriage and his posture

There will be sex in his sex

But only when he's with me

And when he gives it to me,

I will take it

And treasure it

And give it back

And know that his is the last I ever want

For sure

And mine is all he wants

Forever

Unafraid, this man will take my advice--not just when things can't get any worse, but before there's ever a problem

This man will sing to me…softly, sweetly, passionately and on key in the dark corners of our evenings

And I will let him sing as long as he wants because he will be singing about love and loving me

And I will sing to him with his head in my lap and feel close to God when he's sleeping

Next to me

This man

This man's creativity will challenge mine

In unexpected ways and I won't always agree with his methods but

his integrity will blow my mind

over and over and over again for the rest of our lives

This man will make a decision and not back down from it

And make me feel like I've joined an exclusive club if I buy his opinion over my own

This man's mind will leave me speechless at times-

Confounded by my inability to respond and yet

I will challenge him in ways he thought impossible

And we will discuss, and comprehend, and understand each other

Better than anyone else can understand us

We will build a language all our own

That hums late at night in our bed, early in the morning in our bathroom,

in the car, in the store, in the fish spot downtown, in exotic restaurants,

in the streets of Paris and Istanbul and Johannesburg and Thailand

and the museums of Philly and DC and Virginia

in the subways of New York

and the freeways of California

in the first-class cabin of commercial airlines

on quiet islands in easily-mispronounced countries

through our neighborhood at dusk...

the harmony of which I will miss whenever he's away

This man knows God and God knows him-

they speak all the time-

and so I feel safe when I'm with him--

truly safe

He can go before me and I will never feel as though I'm walking behind him

I will feel comfortable following his lead

I will feel comfortable following him anywhere

This man will give me the greatest gifts anyone has ever given me

And we will watch them grow out of my belly

And bring them home

And teach them how to love, how to learn

How to live

He locks eyes with me

And locks hands with me

Locks minds with me

Locks hearts with me

Locks spirits with me

Locks bodies with me

He locks families with me

Locks addresses with me

Locks destinies with me

This man

locks lives with me

And I with him

And we're both

Locked

Up

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Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Daily DIC: Crisis of Faith

"wake up everybody no more sleepin in bed/no more backward thinkin time for thinkin ahead..."--Teddy Pendergrass

Guido Marini: [hissing under his breath] Pope! Pope Benedict!!

The Pope remains motionless.

Guido Marini: Are you praying?

The Pope remains in the same position.

Guido Marini: Or are you sleeping? Oh my Father in Heaven, you are sleeping. [does the sign of the cross in a small motion] I told them you were too old and too frail for this position; did they listen? No, they did not listen. For some reason, you have risen to power and I cannot understand why. Anyone else should be Pope-I should be Pope! When the Nazi story came out, I thought for sure you were going to be tossed out, but no...you managed to survive! God, everything you say is stupid, everything you do is ridiculous and still you are Pope! I'll tell you what--you might not believe me, but I hear from God, too. That's right Benny I don't have to speak to him through you; I speak to him myself! And you know what He told me? That you are no prophet. In fact, sometimes I think you are Satan himself!

The man next to Guido pokes him to quiet down.

Man: Guido, you're getting hysterical. Just poke him like we always do.

Guido: [nearly in tears; to Pope] One day...you mark my words: one of these days!

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Monday, April 19, 2010

23 Questions: A Reprise

"can someone tell me..."--Musiq

I had already started working on the first 2010 edition of my treasured "BIC Report", when I realized just how much more fun it is to do 23 Questions. So, I decided I'll continue 23 Questions in the place of BIC Report, and just do a DIC Report or Daily DIC here and there. It's important to keep up with the antics of the other team, right? Questions after the jump.

1. Has being a celebrity mistress (aka married celeb-hoeing) become the newest method of pitching for television? [TMZ]

2. After sacrificing reputation playing The Office Ho in a '70's sitcom and sacrificing public perception playing The Idiot in an '80's sitcom, wouldn't hitting your prime and becoming a comic A-lister and sex symbol in your late 80's be priceless? [HuffPost][Examiner]

3. Isn't it hard to believe that any of the women on Basketball Wives thought they could improve public perception on Vh1?

4. While we're at it, shouldn't someone attempt to out Clarence Thomas, too? I heard a rumor he was actually Black. [Mediaite]

5. Does Ann Coulter have any redeeming qualities?

6. Isn't it sad to think of the number of 40-something women who will be trolling Border's Teen section for Candace Bushnell's newest novel? [Jezebel]

7. From a spectator's POV doesn't it seem like Dancing With the Stars Cheryl Burke pulled a producer aside and demanded every hot Black dude that comes on the show be partnered with her?

8. Wasn't KFC's chicken already disgusting enough without them debuting a sandwich composed entirely of it?

9. Isn't "promiscuous dressing" in Iran probably showing an ankle or something? [HuffPost]

10. Instead of "it's a great time to be an actress", didn't Jennifer Lopez mean to say "it's a bad time to be a terrible singer coming back with a single about $600 shoes in a recession"? [HuffPost]

11. It's said often, but don't we wish Lauryn Hill could suspend the eternal search for her soul long enough to drop a new album? [YBF]

12. How long before the women's rights activists start blaming Mo'Nique's brother Gerald for her slack views on marriage? [YBF]

13. Considering how her image has devolved, is Vivica's new wig line empowering or pathetic? [Bossip]

14. Considering the remake of "We Are the World" and now "Secret Garden", is it safe to say Quincy Jones is losing his mind? [Bossip]

15. As the details of his divorce become public, isn't Shaq increasingly more trilfing than we could have imagined? [GlobalGrind]

16. How awesome would it be if younger artists took notes from Toni Braxton's sensual brand of class? [SoulBounce]

_

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17. Does JJ Walker think he's repenting for his Good Times coonery by red carpet-ing with Ann "Hateful Skank" Coulter? [Crunktastical]

18. Why does Hollywood always trump celebs we love and then try to change the very thing we love about them? [Salon]

19. Isn't it funny--albeit tiring--to watch political pundits and columnists try to dissect and intellectualize Sarah Palin's idiocy? [Slate]

20. How excited are you for the new season of Boondocks? [SoulBounce]

21. Outside of the fact that he obviously likes high-fashion models, isn't it safe to say Russell Simmons' doesn't have a type? [Bossip]

22. Don't American journalists overuse quotation marks? [HuffPost]

23. With new movie Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus based on the 1992 book by John Gray piling into the He's Just Not That Into You and The Rules portfolio of man-shortage hysteria, shouldn't a film should be produced based on this blog since Hollywood has clearly run out of ways to say women are crazy? [Variety]

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Friday, April 16, 2010

Daily OMJ: Old Treacherous BIC

"i don't give a damn what's real/what's fake what's truth what's lies/see darlin i/don't feel it's relevant to me..."--Teedra Moses

So, honestly I normally wouldn't give the huge newsmaker that is Oprah's new Kitty Kelley-authored unauthorized biography the time of day, let alone speak on it in print. However, while reading the paper I came across a couple of articles that boiled my blood. The first of the articles was a pointedly bitter blogpost by Erica Jong, who once fancied herself a friend of Oprah's back when Reagan was in office, and then clearly felt shafted once Oprah was famous and more guarded. Erica, it's worth mentioning, is a very close friend of Kitty Kelley. Kitty, who for all intents and purposes is a glorified gossip columnist that masquerades as a serious author, has made a quite successful career out of digging up gossip celebrities and politicians would rather keep private, making it sound as salacious as possible, binding it, and doing tacky publicity tours to get onto the New York Times' Bestseller List. Erica, it's also worth mentioning, clearly feels that Oprah should have cooperated with her dear friend, Kitty, on the biography she wrote. Obviously, Oprah declined to be a part of it. Understandable and furthermore, her perogative.

Who didn't decline to be a part of the biography, however, was Oprah's father and other relatives, who unscrupulously dumped all kinds of "facts" on the table for Kitty to sop up with a biscuit. The worst of these cretins, so far, seems to be Oprah's "Aunt Katharine", who is actually a significantly-older cousin from Oprah's mother's side, and a close friend of her mother. The slideshow piece detailing Katharine's conversation with Kitty can be seen here, and should be viewed to appreciate what I have to say. For instance, in addition to the vulnerable intimations between she and Oprah that Katharine shared with Kitty, she even revealed the identity of the man she claims is Oprah's real father. Seriously? My rant after the jump.

Oprah's family is disgusting. Lies or truth, it's definitely not their place to tell Oprah's personal business. Her father, her aunt, and anyone else supplying "the truth" ought to be ashamed. With family like this, I couldn't blame Oprah if her whole backstory was a lie---who's ever been on her side enough for it to matter? If this is how they behave now, I can imagine what peeks into the dark corners of their respective consciences she got as a youth. It appears that the woman has probably had to fend for self since Day 1 being raised in a pack of bloodsuckers.

How horrible that this pigeon "Aunt Katharine" would share the identity of Oprah's real father with a New York City-based unauthorized biographer than with Oprah, whom the information most seriously affects. What a grotesque decision. It's not as if Oprah has turned her back to her family or the community into which she was born, quite the contrary. She helps and/or supports some of these people financially and contributes to their lives. So what if she doesn't come home? I wouldn't visit these arseholes, either. They're fortunate for the "three times" she's been back home to do shows--otherwise no one in their right minds would give a flying ferret about this podunk town.

I'm beyond disgusted by this display and I pray Oprah's found peace with these folks and what they have done. How can you trust anyone when you come from people who would so willfully stab you in the back? She's fortunate to be strong-minded enough to overcome this and find success. I just hope she's found peace. God bless her.

And another thing: get a bra, Aunt Katharine. Your jungle tits hanging down to your ankles while you splash your "niece's" personal business across the newspapers of the world--coupled with your comely mustache--isn't strengthening your case. Perhaps that's a childish observation, but I will rationalize it by stating that I truly despise disloyalty and disloyal people. There's absolutely nothing worse than someone you cannot trust, and when that person is your family, it's beyond horrible.

And as for the mind-phucked population saying that Oprah's purported stifling of Kelley's interview blitz proves the authenticity of what is quite possibly all lies and distortions, you're deluded. Oprah's a public figure, but it's obvious she's got major insecurities and concerns like the rest of us. True, she's a celebrity who signed up for some level of constant public indignities, but having a whole biography--lies or not--published about you by a notorious unauthorized biographer is and would be unnerving for anyone. My God, I despise stupidity and the hideous sheep/bandwagon mentality that makes people gravitate toward information like what Kitty Kelley has put into print, and I despise the urges inside of us humans that makes her print it. Lord help all of the people more concerned with Oprah's business--or more accurately, rumors about her business--than their own. Because we all know that hundreds of thousands of people will buy, read, and support this trash that haven't picked up another piece of literature, particularly anything to better themselves, all year. Sad commentary all the way around.

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Thursday, April 15, 2010

I'm Sorry

"got my back/don't think twice/when in need of your help/if i'm wrong/got your belt..."--Khia

I must apologize in advance for this. If you're not completely out of touch with current events, you've probably had the good [bad?] fortune to see Tiger Woods' new Nike commercial, in which his father mildly lectures him from the grave. If you've somehow missed it, here it is:

Now to be honest, I found the commercial somewhat heartwarming; not in the sense that I don't think Tiger is wrong and just a bit disgusting, but in the sense that he had a very close relationship with his father built on unconditional love. Undoubtedly, the words in the commercial would be akin to Earl Wood's real response, and so to share that inner dialogue with his deceased father/best friend at this time is probably a lot more heart-wrenching than skeptics and cynics can imagine. However (and that's a big however), the visual of the commercial does leave room for quite a bit comedy. With that in mind, I stumbled upon a parody. I wouldn't share this except for the fact that I laughed so hard I thought I was going to die, and I'd like to share that laughter with you. Perhaps you won't find it funny, and if that's the case you need to lighten up. Video after the jump.

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They're Baaaa-aaack....

"she gets carrie fever/but as soon as the show's ova/she's right back to bein my soldier..."--Jay-Z

Two years ago, my wildest dreams came true. Fortunately, a lot of other women's dreams came true also, at least enough to get a greenlight from New Line and HBO. Check the deliciousness of this May's best cinematic offering after the jump.

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Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Daily BIC: In My Humble Opinion

"you should hear how she talks about you/you should hear what she said..."--Melissa Manchester

There's way too much going on right now for me to post individually about each topic. So I'm doing a Vibe Magazine-esque "20 Questions" about some current news topics. But since women always have just a bit more to say, the BIC version is "23 Questions", which is, coincidentally, the highest number of times I've known a woman to contact a [now] ex in one day (might be me, might not). Should cover a lot of bases in a little time. Bon appetit.

1. Is it just me or are there a whole lot of pregnant women and women with newborns roaming the streets in the past year?

2. Doesn't Tiger Woods need to make this his last press conference concerning his personal life?

3. Don't we want to tell Beyonce that, in regards to her purported "six-month break", she needs far more people?

4. While many of us are still waiting to begin our families, doesn't it look like raising children is becoming exponentially more difficult?

5. Taking into account the current climate of the children-of-celebrities culture and her obvious love of attention, aren't we slightly terrified of how Willow Smith might turn out?

6. Isn't something wrong with a woman who doesn't see Nancy Pelosi as a personal hero?

7. Did you know some gynecologists in NYC have begun selling top-of-the-line, European vibrators? 7b. Will this mean they can write prescriptions for this? 7c. Doesn't insurance need to cover this?

8. Don't you want an iPad?

9. Isn't Classic BIC Erykah Badu amazing?

10. Couldn't Mo'Nique have kept the "you can have whatever you like" lowdown on her marriage to herself?

11. Although it was believed to be a fad upon inception, doesn't it look like reality television is here to stay?

12. Shouldn't Stephen A. Smith propose to me? (Can't really explain the years-long crush, it's just still there)

13. With the announcement of Rihanna's Summer tour featuring Nicki Minaj & Ke$ha, wouldn't we not be surprised if a publicity-starved lesbian (or "bisexual") relationship was born of the tour?

14. Don't we need Sarah Palin to go far, far away?

15. Since yet another California woman has given birth to eight babies, doesn't the fertility industry need to be government-regulated before another Octomom or Jon&Kate pops on the scene?

16. Speaking of which, shouldn't we go back to "celebrity" being constituted by talent?

17. With the mild upswing of the economy, are Wall Street bankers getting dates again?

18. Don't we need a separate planet for celebrity mistresses that overshare?

19. Aren't there currently too many celebrity mistresses oversharing?

20. Isn't She's Out of My League one of the most female-friendly (and cutest!) romantic comedies made in a very long time?

21. While much was made of their explosive chemistry when they were first elected, and although they still seem pretty close, don't you have the sneaking suspicion President & First Lady O haven't had sex since, like, last Independence Day? Sad face.

22. Hasn't the whole White supermodel-babydaddy thing worked out pretty well for Halle?

23. Isn't a Middle Eastern female suicide bomber a bit redundant?

And one to grow on: In the women-disempowering culture of the Middle East, aren't these newsmaking female suicide bombers just the new come-up for male extremists? Chew on that.

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