Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Sisters Are Doin It For Themselves

"i'm takin care of business/baby can't you see..."--Vanessa Williams (nee Isley Bros.)

Recently, a young football wife decided to take the matter of groupies into her own two hands--and I'm using mine to applaud her. You don't know Tia Robbins, but she is your personal hero.

Tia, who married NFL baller/St. Louis Ram Fred Robbins in May 2009 after nine years of dating, has gotten herself a day job. The best kind--the one where you're employed by yourself. Tia started a little business called Off the Market, which is a social service (read: event hosting) company for athletes and their wives. Basically, Tia decided to get other athlete wives to sign up to party together--with their husbands. Said husbands will be so busy partying with their colleagues and wives that they have less time to entertain the golddigger set. Tia signed all kinds of elite businesses to sponsor parties and activities because--genius moment--they get to advertise to a clientele that can more than afford to buy whatever they're selling. [Oprah voice] Brillllll---iaaaant!

In any case, Tia's thoughtful contribution to the art of inspiring fidelity got me thinking about what other businesses are just out there waiting to happen. Some girl-power enterprises just waiting to happen after the jump.

Business Name: Cheater 2 Keeper
Founder: Juanita Jordan
Prospective Membership: Anyone Shaunie O'Neal can help Juanita drudge up.
Purpose: Educating celebrity wives on how to draw out a marriage, even after multiple divorce filings, to maximize the ultimate divorce settlement.
Slogan: Liar, liar pants on...list of things I'm getting in the divorce.
Events: Monthly lingerie and champagne parties where the ladies fantasize about marriage to their new husbands with their old husbands' money.
Staff: Shaunie O'Neal
Based In: Chicago, but with a satellite office in LA.
Additional Services: For additional fees, Juanita's assistant will handle your initial divorce filings to scare your husband straight and then hire out her shark attorney to handle the final filing and trial several years later.
Silent Investor: Sheila Johnson, former wife of Bob Johnson
Famous Owner Quotes: "Thank you, your Honor."

Business Name: Settle to Soar
Founder: Michelle Obama
Prospective Membership: Young, impressionable girls; young adult single women….and countless golddiggers with a bit of patience.
Purpose: Educating women on relationship-building and supporting a man with potential; emphasizing the need to date smart, ambitious men with a longterm goal.
Slogan: Make that man; don't let that man make you.
Events: Mixers at some of the nation's best schools, athletic camps, and performing arts academies; workshops on spotting and attracting diamonds in the rough.
Staff: Barack's female junior staffers willing to work in exchange for Michelle's personal matchmaking hookups.
Based In: Michelle's mother's DC apartment
Additional Services: A matchmaking service, one-on-one training, and a college application service that helps young women get into great schools to meet up-and-comers. In an upgraded platinum membership, Michelle will personally put in a call to get you the job where you can meet your match.
Silent Investor: Pauletta Washington
Famous Owner Quotes: "Cute's good. But cute only lasts for so long, and then it's, 'Who are you as a person?' Don't look at the bankbook or the title. Look at the heart. Look at the soul."

Business Name: White Not Weak
Founder: Elin Nordegren
Prospective Membership: Delicate-looking white women married to philandering celebrities
Purpose: Boxing club and anger management classes for no-joke white women who married groupie-happy celebs with the impression that they would be faithful.
Slogan: Does Elin Nordegren have to choke a bitch?
Events: Weekly boxing parties where women can spar, monthly golf workshops where they work on their pimphand swing, and one annual anger management class. A workshop by special guest Brenda Richie will be conducted for the standout members who deserve extra special treatment.
Staff: All the people outraged at the audacity of Tiger to cheat so flagrantly on his good, clean white wife
Based In: Sweden, Florida, and/or LA. *kanye shrug*
Silent Investor: Hillary Clinton
Famous Owner Quotes: Don't Speak. Swing.

Business Name: SugaMamas
Founder: Beyonce Knowles
Prospective Membership: Career-focused women with little desire to procreate but high desire to marry.
Purpose: Educating women in the ways to get the marriage you want without the babies you promised.
Slogan: Promise high. Deliver low.
Events: Quarterly "An Evening of Gynecologists", a gala where women can mingle with the nation's top gynecologists and discuss integrating old-school rhythm methods into new-school lifestyles and schedule tubal ligation procedures.
Staff: No staff needed--everyone comes when Beyonce calls.
Based In: Rocawear NYC Offices and House of Dereon's offices in Houston
Additional Services: No additional services offered.
Silent Investor: Matthew Knowles
Famous Owner Quotes: "When it happens; it happens...whenever I decide to have them."

Business Name: Bundle Your Joy
Founder: Alicia Keys
Prospective Membership: Celebrities who do something foul and need to improve their self-image through procreation.
Purpose: Guides "the other woman" towards the exit from the public hot seat--by making a baby.
Slogan: First comes infidelity, then comes love, and then comes baby in the baby carriage. Oh, yeah, and then comes marriage.
Events: Private parties where married celebrity men can bring their celebrity mistresses and love freely before their divorces are finalized.
Staff: Alicia's "people"
Based In: Alicia & Swizz's home
Silent Investor: Bobby Brown
Famous Owner Quotes: "If you ask me, I'm ready."

Business Name: Men Love Bitches
Founder: Hillary Rodham Clinton
Prospective Membership: Both the powerful professional woman married to the powerful man and the everyday laywoman that Hillary really stands for. Basically, any woman who's not going to take any @&%$ off her egotistical, power and/or sex-addicted man.
Purpose: To make sure women don't take any @&%$.
Slogan: We're not taking any @&%$.
Events: "The Annual Husband Hunt" where members go in groups to catch each other's husbands in the act of cheating. Monthly shakedowns at the Watergate building where mistresses are waterboarded until they confess to cheating with a member's husband.
Staff: Chelsea Clinton
Based In: Washington, with a satellite office in Chelsea Clinton Mezvinsky's apartment
Silent Investor: Mark Mezvinsky and Bill Clinton
Famous Owner Quotes: "If I didn't kick his ass everyday, [Bill] wouldn't be worth anything."

"Put your dick up, Bill. You can't f&%# her in here."


LaToya said...

OMG Ash! You are hysterical. "Bundle Your Joy" and "Men Love Bitches" had me literally laughing out loud.

AshleighMarie said...

Thanks girl!!