Wednesday, October 13, 2010

23 Questions...And Answers: The Misanthropic BIC Edition

"that's why the lady is a tramp..."--Ella Fitzgerald

I usually serve my BIC sunny side-up, because, well, I'm truly a glass half-full kind of person. Let's face it: there's absolutely no other way to handle being single in this day and age other than sheer, unadulterated optimism. But, alas, sometimes my pragmatism does get the best of me. And with that said, I cannot tell a lie when I ask:

1. Aren't you praying Obama doesn't even run for another term? I'm so over the whole Black president thing; let the Republicans back in to screw shit up so they can be blamed--or give Hillary a shot. Because let's face it, things are going to improve at their own pace either way.

2. Isn't it astounding--and ironic--how much more warmly the public has embraced Alicia Keys' alleged home-wrecking since she got pregnant?

3. Now that Tyra's done us all a favor by taking her awful talk show off television, isn't it time for ANTM to follow suit? Baby steps, Ms. Banks.

4. Gaby Sidibe is fabulous as a person and an actress, but she should not have been on the cover of Elle. The experiment didn't quite work. There, I said it.

5. When are we planning to lose the feminazi rhetoric and admit this chick who authored and distributed (yes, distributed; c'mon it's 2010, what did you really think would happen if you emailed pictures of penises and corresponding ratings) the "Fuck List" (which is in fact not a "list", but a powerpoint presentation) is not a feminist hero, but just a regular, run-of-the-mill um, slut?

6. It's been said before, but isn't Jersey Shore a travesty against humanity?

7. Can't just about anybody be a "pundit" these days? Although I actually like most of what she stands for, the fact that Meghann McCain is a "political analyst" should scare the living daylights out of everybody. 7b) Has the girl ever met an interview she couldn't valley-girl giggle her way through?

8. I'm convinced that a significant amount of men are being conditioned to tweet all the wild disrespectful sexual comments they would never say to a woman's face. Way to go, Progress.

9. Didn't the Republicans let the proverbial dogs out with Palin? They opened the gate for her in desperation and Christine O'Donnell, Carly Fiorina, and Michele Bachmann ran out behind her.

10. I'm not really a fan of hard liquor and especially not a fan of Diddy, but isn't Ciroc Coconut truly a delicious and incredibly smooth cure-all? Double on the rocks, please!

11. I'm a huge Leonardo DiCaprio fan, but after watching Shutter Island, in addition to the also recent and amazing Inception and Resurrection Road, I'm wondering if it's a contractual requirement that his characters' wives be crazy as hell, and what issues he might have with playing opposite a female character that's not criminally insane and suicidal?

12. Isn't it ridic that Mel Gibson is now blaming "male menopause" for his social snafus? Newsflash: men don't get to have menopause. Midlife crisis, yes. Menopause, no. I've seen women going through menopause--they can't sleep at night and break out into intense sweats at the drop of a hat like someone's thrown a bucket of water on them. Men don't go through that, just like they don't pass other human beings through their genitalia. Sober up, jackass.

13. Are people finally starting to get that that whole "I hate homosexuals" thing is really code for "I fantasize about sex with someone of my own gender constantly"?

14. Isn't it always the worst people with the worst reputations who want to be "googled"? "Google me!" You can't possibly really want anyone to do that.

15. Has not the internet been a coincidentally and remarkably sweeter place to visit since Beyonce went on her "break" and Lil Wayne went to jail?

16. In my celibacy, I've gained a heightened awareness of celibate celebs: Gaga, Nicki Minaj, Mya, Lenny Kravitz. I try to quiet the cynical part of my mind that says they screwed someone the same night they gave the interview.

17. Somehow I missed this brilliant display (which, for once, I say without a hint of sarcasm), which I deeply regret. Two thumbs up, girls!

18. I was speaking with a friend the other day, and I think I've finally learned in my 20-something years that when a man says "I'll make it up to you, babe" it really means "deal with it, bitch".

19. While I champion celebrities who stay tight-lipped on their private
lives, doesn't Mariah Carey specifically need to announce her pregnancy ASAP? And it definitely looks like a girl...

...or two.

20. The play "For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When the Rainbow is Enuf" is phenomenal. By raise of hands, who believes the chances Tyler Perry screwed the whole 40 year-old legacy up on film are greater than 50%?

21. If ever there were a such thing as a baby-making necklace, leave it to Betsey Johnson to create it. That said, by show of hands, who dares me to wear this to the grocery store this weekend? The irony should sink in in 5, 4, 3, 2...

22. Speaking of Tyler Perry, wouldn't it make sense for J.Lo to be the star of his next film? Since Jennifer's ventured so boldly into the area of horrendous productions and Tyler's an expert on them, shouldn't they just make art together?

23. Is it just me or is Stacie's husband on The Real Housewives of DC more gossipy (and slightly b-made) than most of the women on the show--except Stacie?

Bonus/24. So is Toni Braxton overly philanthropic, cursed, or just an idiot?


Robby said...

Losing my job is worth going through the archives of this blog for sure.

AshleighMarie said...

thanks Robby!