Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Get Your Game Up

"i want it hard, mystical, tender, and correct/without expectations but all of them met..."--Tamia

I've been a writer since I was four years old, literally. At the age of four I wrote my first short story. As such, for years and years--until I was maybe about 22 or 23--I wrote every single day. Whether it was an article (I wrote for my school paper and literary magazines in HS and college), a short story, copy for television or my radio show in college, a song, or someone else's term paper (I did everyone's work, never charged and regret it now!), I put pen to paper daily. Maybe three out of seven days in a week, I'd write a poem. Of course, my last year of college was over six years ago, and I've written approximately one poem (other than songs, which don't count) in the past six years. But for some reason, this past Sunday night I felt something tugging at me and I couldn't wait to get home to write.

I was sitting in Kitchen 24 in Hollywood, just observing. Some guy was trying to talk to me and get my number, and he was nice and cool and sweet and bright and just the type of guy I'd go for if I wasn't me. There was even something vaguely cute about him, but I looked at him as he was speaking and just thought "no, this is not it." And I felt certain in that moment, as I always have, that when it is "it", I will know. Emphatically. It won't be hard, I won't have to be sold, it won't have to grow on me like fungus because God knows me and knows I don't live well in that environment. I will just know. Anyhow, out of that thought, I wrote a poem you'll find after the jump.

"Locked Up"

He locks eyes with me

and I find it impossible to look away

I try but

there's too much promise, too much potential in the steady tremble of my eyes. This man

is speaking to someone else, but looking at me and I am looking at him and we are looking at us

He stops talking because he must know my name, and I must tell him, and when he sits close to me

I feel all the space, the air bubbles, all the invisible holes from which leaks spring in my life

being filled

I don’t know what he will say, but I know how he'll say it

instinctively

The sensation of meeting him has altered something permanent

I will give him a way to contact me

He will give me a way to contact him

And the first time I'm alone with him

All I will think of is his smell…that intense scent of cologne purchased somewhere where it's sold exclusively, that odor of care and attention and sophistication

And when I'm alone after being with him, I will smell myself over and over and I will not wash the clothes that I wore when I was with him until I see him again

This man will have a voice: distinctive, sharp, intelligent, clear, direct, solid

And when he speaks I will believe it

And when he doesn't I will trust it

This man will call me first when things go South, if they go South

because he will trust me to pick up the pieces as he always does for me

He will trust that I am able to pick up pieces and get things gone

He will trust that I will fight for him

He will admire my principles, my morals, respect the things about me that I cannot change

and do not want to

He will be uncompromising, though easygoing

He will walk the same way down the street in the hood

as he does down Rodeo Drive

And the way he walks

that walk

will make those who pay attention to those kind of things

pay attention to him

This man will be sexy

truly sexy

There will be sex in his touch and his gaze and his voice and his smell and his clothes and his carriage and his posture

There will be sex in his sex

But only when he's with me

And when he gives it to me,

I will take it

And treasure it

And give it back

And know that his is the last I ever want

For sure

And mine is all he wants

Forever

Unafraid, this man will take my advice--not just when things can't get any worse, but before there's ever a problem

This man will sing to me…softly, sweetly, passionately and on key in the dark corners of our evenings

And I will let him sing as long as he wants because he will be singing about love and loving me

And I will sing to him with his head in my lap and feel close to God when he's sleeping

Next to me

This man

This man's creativity will challenge mine

In unexpected ways and I won't always agree with his methods but

his integrity will blow my mind

over and over and over again for the rest of our lives

This man will make a decision and not back down from it

And make me feel like I've joined an exclusive club if I buy his opinion over my own

This man's mind will leave me speechless at times-

Confounded by my inability to respond and yet

I will challenge him in ways he thought impossible

And we will discuss, and comprehend, and understand each other

Better than anyone else can understand us

We will build a language all our own

That hums late at night in our bed, early in the morning in our bathroom,

in the car, in the store, in the fish spot downtown, in exotic restaurants,

in the streets of Paris and Istanbul and Johannesburg and Thailand

and the museums of Philly and DC and Virginia

in the subways of New York

and the freeways of California

in the first-class cabin of commercial airlines

on quiet islands in easily-mispronounced countries

through our neighborhood at dusk...

the harmony of which I will miss whenever he's away

This man knows God and God knows him-

they speak all the time-

and so I feel safe when I'm with him--

truly safe

He can go before me and I will never feel as though I'm walking behind him

I will feel comfortable following his lead

I will feel comfortable following him anywhere

This man will give me the greatest gifts anyone has ever given me

And we will watch them grow out of my belly

And bring them home

And teach them how to love, how to learn

How to live

He locks eyes with me

And locks hands with me

Locks minds with me

Locks hearts with me

Locks spirits with me

Locks bodies with me

He locks families with me

Locks addresses with me

Locks destinies with me

This man

locks lives with me

And I with him

And we're both

Locked

Up

1 comment:

LaToya said...

Wow. WOW. I want to like repost this and print it and frame it and add it to the encyclopedia in a category all its own for what true, uninhibited, God-ordained love looks and feels like. Ash, this poem is truly amazing. As will be your true love when you find him and lock destinies.

I feel like I should be snapping or clapping or doing a Holy dance or something....