"i don't give a damn what's real/what's fake what's truth what's lies/see darlin i/don't feel it's relevant to me..."--Teedra Moses
So, honestly I normally wouldn't give the huge newsmaker that is Oprah's new Kitty Kelley-authored unauthorized biography the time of day, let alone speak on it in print. However, while reading the paper I came across a couple of articles that boiled my blood. The first of the articles was a pointedly bitter blogpost by Erica Jong, who once fancied herself a friend of Oprah's back when Reagan was in office, and then clearly felt shafted once Oprah was famous and more guarded. Erica, it's worth mentioning, is a very close friend of Kitty Kelley. Kitty, who for all intents and purposes is a glorified gossip columnist that masquerades as a serious author, has made a quite successful career out of digging up gossip celebrities and politicians would rather keep private, making it sound as salacious as possible, binding it, and doing tacky publicity tours to get onto the New York Times' Bestseller List. Erica, it's also worth mentioning, clearly feels that Oprah should have cooperated with her dear friend, Kitty, on the biography she wrote. Obviously, Oprah declined to be a part of it. Understandable and furthermore, her perogative.
Who didn't decline to be a part of the biography, however, was Oprah's father and other relatives, who unscrupulously dumped all kinds of "facts" on the table for Kitty to sop up with a biscuit. The worst of these cretins, so far, seems to be Oprah's "Aunt Katharine", who is actually a significantly-older cousin from Oprah's mother's side, and a close friend of her mother. The slideshow piece detailing Katharine's conversation with Kitty can be seen here, and should be viewed to appreciate what I have to say. For instance, in addition to the vulnerable intimations between she and Oprah that Katharine shared with Kitty, she even revealed the identity of the man she claims is Oprah's real father. Seriously? My rant after the jump.
Oprah's family is disgusting. Lies or truth, it's definitely not their place to tell Oprah's personal business. Her father, her aunt, and anyone else supplying "the truth" ought to be ashamed. With family like this, I couldn't blame Oprah if her whole backstory was a lie---who's ever been on her side enough for it to matter? If this is how they behave now, I can imagine what peeks into the dark corners of their respective consciences she got as a youth. It appears that the woman has probably had to fend for self since Day 1 being raised in a pack of bloodsuckers.
How horrible that this pigeon "Aunt Katharine" would share the identity of Oprah's real father with a New York City-based unauthorized biographer than with Oprah, whom the information most seriously affects. What a grotesque decision. It's not as if Oprah has turned her back to her family or the community into which she was born, quite the contrary. She helps and/or supports some of these people financially and contributes to their lives. So what if she doesn't come home? I wouldn't visit these arseholes, either. They're fortunate for the "three times" she's been back home to do shows--otherwise no one in their right minds would give a flying ferret about this podunk town.
I'm beyond disgusted by this display and I pray Oprah's found peace with these folks and what they have done. How can you trust anyone when you come from people who would so willfully stab you in the back? She's fortunate to be strong-minded enough to overcome this and find success. I just hope she's found peace. God bless her.
And another thing: get a bra, Aunt Katharine. Your jungle tits hanging down to your ankles while you splash your "niece's" personal business across the newspapers of the world--coupled with your comely mustache--isn't strengthening your case. Perhaps that's a childish observation, but I will rationalize it by stating that I truly despise disloyalty and disloyal people. There's absolutely nothing worse than someone you cannot trust, and when that person is your family, it's beyond horrible.
And as for the mind-phucked population saying that Oprah's purported stifling of Kelley's interview blitz proves the authenticity of what is quite possibly all lies and distortions, you're deluded. Oprah's a public figure, but it's obvious she's got major insecurities and concerns like the rest of us. True, she's a celebrity who signed up for some level of constant public indignities, but having a whole biography--lies or not--published about you by a notorious unauthorized biographer is and would be unnerving for anyone. My God, I despise stupidity and the hideous sheep/bandwagon mentality that makes people gravitate toward information like what Kitty Kelley has put into print, and I despise the urges inside of us humans that makes her print it. Lord help all of the people more concerned with Oprah's business--or more accurately, rumors about her business--than their own. Because we all know that hundreds of thousands of people will buy, read, and support this trash that haven't picked up another piece of literature, particularly anything to better themselves, all year. Sad commentary all the way around.
a woman -"No, that BIC didn’t show up at your mama’s house again!?"
a situation in which a man fears for his personal security and sanity as a result of female psychosis
–“Man, I knew I was dealing with BIC when she sent me thirty text messages in an hour.” the bizarre, mind-boggling, or categorically terrifying behavior of a woman that causes a man to think or, in the worst cases actually say out loud “this b&tch is crazy!”. -Jamal's girlfriend Mary was beautiful and smart, but her BIC often threw him for a loop.
a term that qualifies madness and fits of commonly unwarranted hysteria -phrase: BIC behavior -Mary’s BIC behavior that day was not actually attributable to any one thing Jamal had done. a term that qualifies madness and fits of warranted hysteria -phrase: BIC behavior -Mary’s BIC behavior that evening was attributable to the lies Jamal had told that morning. a term that qualifies a propensity towards sheer insanity -phrase: BIC tendencies -Though she was cool in the beginning, Mary’s BIC tendencies were increasingly evident as Jamal’s conduct declined.
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As God Is My Witness BIC
Rules of BIC.
1. Crazy in Love is *not* just a song. 2. BIC can be used for good and bad. 3. Men often share responsibility for BIC due to their propensity to drive women to hysterics for little reason other than laziness or enjoyment. 4.Guys: No sex will ever be good enough to take in more BIC than you were designed to handle. 5. Some of the craziest women are some of the most brilliant people you will ever meet. 7. Some of the most beautiful women are some of the craziest people you will ever meet. 8. Love is a rarely mentioned but highly infectious STD. 9. The insanity of women throughout history has contributed irrevocably to the world in which we now live (suffrage, abolition, civil rights, environmentalism...) 10. In the interest of clarity, the noun "lunatic" (read: negative connotation) as applied to women is often interchangeable with the adjective "passionate" (read: positive connotation). 11. "Crazy" is the most predictable term (depending on who you are) for a willful woman who refuses to be silenced, marginalized or ignored.
The Male Persuasion: What Men Can Do To Avoid [Excess] BIC
1. Don’t front: you know what women like. Give your BIC a healthy dose of [sincere] compliments. 2. NEVER go beyond a passing comment about another woman’s attractiveness (i.e. “she’s pretty”). I can't really help you if you don't understand this. 3. Tell the truth. Liars always get the worst of BIC behavior. 4. Don’t try to make a woman feel stupid when you know she’s right. (i.e. “Baby, why does something have to be wrong when I don’t call for a week? [My ex] being in town had nothing to do with it!”) 5. Remember little things like special days. Thoughtfulness can help when you do something disgusting; you can always refer her back to your 'above and beyond' moments of glory to tone down the fallout. 6. Avoid leaving communication devices around at all times. Even if you’re squeaky clean (which you’re probably not), something can always be misconstrued.
What They Think and We Know...
It's Been Paid For And It's Mine BIC
Six Kids BIC
Second Time Around BIC
9 1/2 Weeks BIC
@#$&%!! What Did You Just Say? BIC
The Origins of BIC
B.I.C. (or the more user-friendly BIC; pronounced "bik") was coined by blog author Ashleigh Marie and her equally-unbalanced first cousin Tyra in 2003 as an ongoing investigation into some of men's favorite comments "[that] b*tch is crazy", "[this] b*tch is crazy]", and the ever-popular "[y'all] b*tch[es] is crazy". By the way, for some reason or another, plural or not, "is" always remains. Anyhow, we noticed, scientifically speaking, that whenever a man called a woman--or us--crazy, he was indeed correct. This piqued our curiosity, prompted us to investigate, and resulted in our findings that women are, in fact, insane. Anything crazy that a woman thinks, says, or does falls under BIC law. In order to understand this more fully, picture "that" man (use iconic substitution--the Chris Rocks, Richard Pryors, Martin Lawrence and Dave Chappelles work well here) , and if you can see him saying "that bitch is crazy" for whatever you may be thinking, saying or doing, then the correct term for your behavior is "BIC".
Below you'll find some exerpts from emails between Tyra and myself over the years that will explain how you, too, can quickly integrate BIC into your vocabulary. An email from Tyra to Ashleigh in October 2004 reads: "I had to tell someone, but I had to chose carefully to avoid BIC implications. Cause it sounds pretty odd. He's this perfect kinda guy I always go for...mysterious and distant and naturally a terrible choice. For me there is just something so alluring about knowing he's totally wrong and still pursuing..."
Another email from Tyra to Ashleigh in 2006 reads: "The dinner was really nice, but ____& I stopped at the bar and all the BIC sh*t that was going through my mind came to a ghetto head. I'm really NOT going to get into it, but it was a very ugly situation..."
An excerpt from an email from Ashleigh to Tyra in 2007 reads: "Hey baby..I called you last night because I did the biggest BIC thing ever. It was actually quite empowering and I"m reveling and rolling around in my craziness, unapologetically I might add..."
To which Tyra responded to Ashleigh with: "What's up sexy? I haven't had any interesting or truly BIC moments since the proposal. lol. You know me, and I have to ask...did you let [him] hit that? Cause nothin will have a girl that BIC quite like some d**k."
Got the hang of it? Try it in a few sentences today. There are plenty of opportunities to get familiar with the term.