Friday, March 26, 2010

#DearFutureWife: My Old Hoes Ain't Gonna Believe How Good I Treat You

"i'm tired of sleepin in the other room spendin them long nights/tryna figure out what the hell in my heart i ain't do right..."--Usher

Those of you that tweet (one of my new favorite pastimes), you're familiar with "trending topics", which are topics that people attempt to talk about in the prerequisite 140 characters Twitter demands. Examples of popular current trending topics are #mychildwillnever, #sometimesiwonder, and #ilove. It's a great way to take a little break from your day and in my opinion, often a fun stress reliever. That is until I logged onto Twitter the other morning to find that the major trending topic for the day was #dearfuturewife (and #dearfuturehusband). Intrigued, I posted a few #dearfuturehusband(s) of my own, a couple under @TheBIsCrazy (the blog's twitter account), and went on about my day. But of course the story can't end there.

The past few days since the discovery of some new developments in the lives of a few guys I used to see, I've admittedly (and quietly) been on the hunt for more information. In observation of said hunt, I spent a little quality time e-stalking some exes the other night. Every now and then the urge strikes me like any other woman. Don't judge me. Anywho, I started with Facebook, where I found some innocuous messages from a couple of my exes to their wives that were very cute, some wedding pics, and some baby pics of their rapidly-growing children. I caught myself up on what was going on in their lives and cheesing over their joy, sauntered over to Twitter for a look-see. Still grinning, I scanned my timeline where I saw another potential e-stalkee being retweeted. Begrudgingly (I never go onto his page and pride myself on the restraint), I clicked the link and almost immediately regretted the departure from my normal routine. The previous day's trending topic "#dearfuturewife" had returned to haunt me. "#dearfuturewife", I read, "my old hoes ain't gonna believe how good i treat you." Um...what?

Aside from the fact that I am clearly a part of the agglomeration of "old hoes", there were about five things wrong with the tweet. Let's discuss.

  • Let's start with the obvious: it might behoove you, sir, not to refer to your "hoes" when speaking to your wife. It's an insecure woman who begrudges a man his former girlfriends, girls, one-night stands, hell, even a babymama or two (yes, I said two...#dealwithit). It's ridiculous for a grown woman to think that she's the very first love and/or sex a grown man has ever had. But if she's a good woman--which men who aren't particularly good men curiously seem to feel most deserving of--she won't be too fond of the idea of you calling other women "hoes". Not that she's against calling a spade a spade, because hopefully she's a broad that keeps it real. But if she's a smart woman, she'll be fully aware of the fact that not all of the women to whom you were previously joined can possibly be "hoes". Because let's be honest: not only do you attract what you are, if everyone you've been involved with shares the distinction of being a whore, it might not be them.

  • And in fact, to belabor the point a bit, your wife would probably prefer you drop the term "old hoes" altogether, which by the laws of grammar connotes that you have a "new ho". How unfair that in choosing you, your wife has by proxy chosen an existence as a ho--not in a "lady in the street; freak in the bed" kinda way, but more of a "I married a dick" kinda way.

  • Dissecting another important part of the statement means addressing the concept of disbelief encapsulated in the tweet. The "old hoes" simply can't believe how good you treat your wife. Why, exactly, wouldn't they be able to believe it? Have you really been such a horrible person that in all of the time each respective woman dealt with you, you didn't show any moments, even fleeting ones, of the capability of being a good husband/partner/friend? I won't answer that personally.

  • Which brings us to the concept of treating your wife "good". One has to wonder what a man so close to 30 who tweets something like this considers "good" treatment. What is this "good"? Does he plan to cook for her? Get up with the kids? Always put the toilet seat down? Buy her whatever she wants? Or, who knows, perhaps the good life with Mr. Wonderful means a $4 million eight-carat purple diamond for any accidental humiliation at the hands of he and one of his "hoes". Hooray for apology diamonds!

  • Then there's the elephant in the room. If you've never treated one of your "old hoes" well, then how will you know how to treat your wife well? If your practice time is so brief that you really don't know what you're doing, how do you expect to play in the big game? My pastor always says that we should act like what we want to be. For instance, if you want to be a wife, act like a wife. If you want to be a husband, act like a husband. For someone who has been talking about how well he's going to treat this proverbial wife while using girls for sex and blatantly disrespecting them, how exactly does he expect to all of a sudden clean up his act and know how to behave towards the woman he loves?

Sure, sure, you fall in love and you want to make that person happy. Something in you changes when you decide to make it official with someone. I get that completely. But in a marriage, there are dark days, bad days, days when you could kill the person to whom you've chained yourself. How exactly do you intend to deal with your wife when she's not the perfect woman you're undoubtedly envisioning? What happens in the moments she's weak or wrong? How will you speak to this woman if you currently spend all your time pretending [pretense is key because it takes effort and knowledge of wrongdoing to purposefully mislead] to be a gentleman while objectifying every girl you deal with and groundlessly calling them all kinds of bitches and hoes behind their backs? How will you behave as a husband in anger or hurt or disappointment? Will you, perhaps, continue to approach these matters as immaturely as you always have, flying off the handle and totally disrespecting the woman you've chosen as you have in past relationships?

Or maybe not. Maybe the magic Marriage Fairy will make the selfishness, self-absorption, and infantilism the past three decades have bred a thing of the past. Stranger things have happened. Perhaps the best and biggest question of all is: what right does someone who willfully does others wrong have to demand someone who will do him right? Maybe he will find that dear future wife who won't believe how good he treats her. Will she treat him well back? Karma isn't true for Buddhists alone, after all. There are supernatural laws of reciprocity in this world, biblical principles even that speak about reaping what you sow.

Hey, who am I to say? I probably took the whole thing too seriously! Sure, he's a misogynistic, sociopathic jerk, but at least he's a funny jerk! All I know is that unpacking and questioning that one little tiny tweet has presented a whole lot of maybes, a whole lot of ifs, and a whole lot of questions in general. I get the fact that the tweet is at least partly tongue-in-cheek, and everyone knows I'm always down for a good laugh. But somehow I found it difficult to find the humor in this, particularly since it speaks to the clear delusion of someone intent on not growing or improving because he's stuck on his own perfection. And so to the #dearfuturewife who signs up for this nonsense, I offer my well-wishes, my condolences, and these words of advice: watch and pray.

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