Friday, February 5, 2010

Guest Post: 12 Red Flags of A NIC

"as i head for the door i turn around to be sure/did i shave my legs for this?"--Deana Carter

My very good, longtime friend, a brilliant writer and ad exec in Chicago, should be married by now. She should at least have a serious boyfriend. Not that there's anything wrong with not being married or having a serious boyfriend, but if anybody deserves and commands a good man, it's her. Smart, beautiful, spiritual, highly educated, hard-working, fun, funny, cultured, real, supportive, and cool. But of course, like so many other smart, beautiful Black (and not-Black) professional women, she is Single. Capital "S" single. And consequently, she is forced to [gulp] "date". Quotation mark "date".

She recently went on one of these "dates", and I'm honored that she thought enough of my lil' ole blog to document the hilarious sad-but-true tale for the rest of us in BICland. Her date was a classic DIC, so DIC that the "D" had to be replaced. You have to feel her. Her story, "12 Red Flags of a NIC", can be enjoyed in full after the jump.

I am not a conceited person. I am very attractive and very tired of guys who think that complimenting my hair, my smile or my boots are enough to make me hand over my number. So it was refreshing to hear a simple comment like, “Sounds like you had a good day”, from behind said as I crossed the street. In my mind I thought,"The least I could do is respond." So I turned and faced a guy – modestly attractive, not like my crush who sends my smile into overdrive, but still in the middle of the spectrum of attractiveness. So we chat which ultimately turns into a one-way phone number exchange. Three days later, he calls and we have another pretty decent conversation and he asks me out to dinner...

So let’s skip all of the hoopla and get right to the date (and the red flags). I meet him at the train station (it’s a public transportation kind of city) and we walk to a Thai restaurant. It’s decent, located on a main street but not much traffic inside. The waiter puts down two menus and an additional “$5 daily special menu”. Red Flag #1: The boy only looks at the $5 menu and then excuses himself. I on the other hand look at both menus and inevitably settle on the safe Pad Thai (because not every Thai restaurant is a good one). He orders an ice water and something from the $5 holla. So he asks, “Who is your favorite musician?” My mind draws a blank, I mean anyone who knows me KNOWS it’s T.I., but I decide that I will hide my crazy, lustful obsession of my little convict til I know this man better. I say, “Umm, I don’t know. What about you?” Red Flag #2: Damn near jumping from his seat, he says, "Maxwell." Let’s pause for the cause; I know guys dig our former afro-ed crooner but never in all my years have I had a man luv Max the way this boy does. He even started singing Lifetime and Fortunate at the table.

So I interrupt and say I also like 90's music. Red Flag #3: He responds, “Oh yeah, me too! Man, Tevin Campbell…” (and breaks into his rendition of Can We Talk). The conversation continues with him (in his mind and visually) thinking 'this girl is perfect, we are perfect,' while my mind wanders to the project I have due for work tomorrow. Speaking of work (Red Flags #4-7), during the course of the conversation his career changed 4 times: when I met him he said he was in advertising sales, then later it became I work at a call center, but I’m only there to save money to go to school in Florida for physical therapy, which later became, I really want to be an actor and move to LA.

So the bill has been sitting on the table, awkwardly for about 20 minutes now. Finally he says we should go. He hesitates then pulls out his wallet. Now, I know I will get flack for this but at this point I know how this non-date is going so I say, “Are you treating me?” as I go to get my wallet. Red Flag #8: He says, “Awkward!” in his best “Men on Films" In Living Color reference-voice. Red Flag #9: He says women only gesture for their wallets to make it look like they will pay, not because they really want to. I said, “Oh no sweetheart, I don’t do anything for show" and then put my $7 down on the table. Red Flag #10: Folks, let’s pause again: the total bill was only like $12 so really…you do the math on this guy. So then he says "You can pay if you want, it’s up to you." I do pay. Then the waitress says something about not being able to do both cash and card (he was using plastic) so he tells her to put it all on his card, then he picks up my money and (Red Flag #11) says, “Should I keep this?” I said "you know what, you go right ahead." He even had the audacity to say that he will always take care of his girlfriend and she will never have to pay a mortgage, car note, etc. (as he’s putting my money in his pocket.) Anyway, the next thing he does is serenade me with his own spoken word poetry for 10 – 15 minutes! As one friend put it, “Don’t you just hate that Love Jones has messed brothers up, got them thinking they can all win a girl over with poetry.” LMAO! This boy was no Darius (pun intended).

I go home (just a polite hug) and my chariot (aka the city bus) whisks me away from that disaster. He calls me, says he made it home, wants to know when we will see each other again. I say, "I’ll call you Saturday" but the more I thought about that date, the more I dreaded communicating with him again. Red Flag #12: He didn’t give me a chance to call him on Saturday. He called me in the morning. I didn’t answer. He called again 8 hours later. I didn’t answer. Three minutes after his last call he sends me a text: "Whateva, I c y you’ve been single since 2004. Peace u flake!” And so ladies, those are the 12 Red Flags of an N.I.C..

--Naturally Twisted (J. Taurin Williams)

7 comments:

Shequita said...

Please tell me you followed up with his text message?!?

Anonymous said...

Wowzers.

Kat said...

After flags 1-3 I still gave him the benefit of a doubt...but 4-7 WOW c'mon dude, get ur story straight! Did he think he was impressing you b/c he can daydream???
Then, the check situation should be made into a sitcom episode. Sorry it had to happen to you though :( Snaps for keeping your cool though I can totally see your "covering up the anger smile." Wow!
Don't bother responding...not worth it!

Shonaka E. said...

To Naturally Twisted, you did your thing and I applaud you for handling it like a woman. Because if it were me that received a text like that, the inner Bonquisha would have come out, and we don't need to fool with the foolishness in 2010.

You know what really bothers me about this ordeal is that this cheap, man-crush having, no career path directing, "hello may I help you" calling, TEVIN CAMPBELL loving (that is a problem for me), Fake ass deep thought spoken word fool, thought that the non-date went well enough that he would actually get another non-date. Gentlemen, just like your Momma always told you, first impressions are everything. And with a woman, as with everything else, the first impression is the lasting impression. So please, please, don't waste a woman's time if you are not trying to put your absolute best foot forward to impress her. And if this is an indication of your best efforts, you need some schooling because this is definitely not gonna work. Don't forget that we are Queens of this world, and it is imperative that you treat us as such or you will be kicking rocks like this dude. Either get with it or get lost. *Snap fingers*. Carry on.

LaToya said...

I'm over here cracking up at the tomfoolery, Ms. Williams! I too am shocked that this N.I.C. thought he would get another shot at you. Makes me wonder what kind of women he's been successful with in the past because all that wackness is certainly not very well hidden.

Oh and the love for both Maxwell and Tevin Campbell really do require a pause for the cause. Is he younger than us? Our age? Please tell me this dude isn't in his 30's!

Anonymous said...

@ Shequita: I don't entertain the temper tantrums of little boys, so no I didn't respond.

@ Latoya: He is 30 yrs.

Kaleena said...

Wow!!!! I would have been looking around to see if I was on one of those reality tv shows. While I can not help but laugh a little, that is still completely unaceptable behavior. This does not make me excited to get back into the dating scene.