Sunday, March 8, 2009

The RiBICulousness of Bonnie Fuller

"but i don't mind if you come and play with us/just don't talk too much..."--Colby O'Donis

She's been named "Editor of the Year" by Advertising Age twice. She's served as the editor-in-chief for such huge American publications as YM, Cosmopolitan, and Us Weekly. She is the former Vice-President and Editorial Director for American Media, and now Bonnie Fuller is CEO of the sure-to-become-a-conglomerate, Bonnie Fuller Media. Bonnie Fuller is an incredibly accomplished woman. And yet, she's one of the most ridiculous women I know. To see what I mean, simply go to Bonnie's page on Huffington Post and read some of the headlines she's posted over the past year. Now, I know that she's a master at spin, a master at stoking the fires of celebrity and fully plugging the American public knee-deep in gossip veiled as pop culture news. But honestly, you would never know that she's an accomplished writer and publishing executive by the Tourett's Syndrome-esque headlines she's made her mark. You would never guess the breadth of Fuller's influence by what she deems reportable from day to day. And here's why.

Bonnie Fuller makes rash, broad, sweeping generalizations about absolutely everything. She's like an SNL character that's only slightly--albeit painfully--funny. When Anne Hathaway's very longterm romance was interrupted by the fact that her boyfriend was a liar and thief who might be headed to the clanker, Bonnie's response to the situation was "Anne Hathaway--It's Time To Get Smart About The Men You Date!", as though Anne had spent the past 15 years on a never-ending trampfest. That particular romance was actually, if I'm not mistaken, Anne's first and only public relationship and she seemed to be deeply in love. That Bonnie minimized it to such frivolity while maximizing it to a federal case made her sound like an idiot. Then, after John Travolta and Kelly Preston's only son died suddenly earlier this year after injuring himself during a seizure, Bonnie quickly published "John Travolta Tragedy: Why Are Celebrities Cursed?", in which she trotted out John and Kelly's ultimate misfortune and plastered it alongside freakshow deaths like Anna Nicole's and Michael Kennedy's. She even asserts that celebrities have disproportionate amounts of tragedy because they drink-and-drug too much and have too much vacation time. Of course, this was wildly inappropriate for an article posted under the pretense of being about the horrible and unfortunate death of an innocent, sick 16 year-old boy.

Bonnie Fuller also sounds like a sloppy mix of a twelve year-old mean girl and a bored 76 year-old stoop-ridden grandmother in the vein of Miss Benita. It seems she sits around thinking of the silliest things that women can think of--why Michelle Obama absolutely MUST get pregnant, like, now, and why Jennifer Aniston needs to shut up and stop "dissing" Brad and Angelina and the press (which, it must be said, she was not doing repeatedly). Giving voice to such drivel makes women look dumber than ever. And since women's stock is quickly plummeting in the society's eye (degrading amounts of violence against us, He's just Not That Into You/Tough Love, Sarah Palin) I think we should take all the smart we can get right now.

Bonnie Fuller is also, for someone who is supposed to have their finger on the pulse of pop culture and hotness, consistently and tragically wrong. Some gem headlines from the past year include "Obama! If You Want To Win--Boot Biden Now And Bring Back Hillary!", "Michelle Obama Pregnant? Why The Nation Needs Her Bundle of Joy". I must add that shortly after Bonnie's "Shut Up Jen!" article about Jennifer Aniston "dissing" the media and her ex and essentially alienating her public, her new film Marley & Me made a disgusting amount of money at the box office. Apparently, the public didn't agree with Bonnie's assessment.

Bonnie also has the perverse habit of linking just about anything she can pull out of her hat together without any real concern for how the two things are interrelated. Prime example is her recent post on Rihanna titled "Tina Turner to Rihanna: Leave Chris Brown Now!". Of course, while this implies that those words actually left Tina's mouth, the entire article is instead about how Rihanna should read Tina's book and then leave Chris Brown. Riiiight. Because 21 year-old girls will read Tina Turner's biography and see the next 20 years of their life the way Tina's was right before she broke away from Ike. And plus, they're two Black entertainer couples, why not? Not like Bonnie could have said "Loni Anderson to Rihanna: Leave Chris Now!" I suppose, and yet, Bonnie never really makes her case for the connection.

The last thing I want to do is dog a woman who's made such a name for herself, so much so that she wrote a book called The Joys of Too Much: Go For the Big Life--The Great Career, The Perfect Guy, and Everything Else You've Ever Wanted. But Bonnie Fuller is probably one of the biggest things wrong with pop culture today. Her sweaty, gossipy tone that never really coherently makes any important statements, chips away our nerves. And so, I'll say it how Bonnie would best like to hear it: "Wow! Bonnie Fuller Is Super Annoying And Always Talking About The Dumbest Stuff!!"

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