Friday, February 6, 2009


"if what we had was good/how come you don't call me/anymore..."--Alicia Keys

Well, well. Just in time for the premiere of He's Not That Into You, I stumble across the urban myth site WhyWasIDissed.Com. For some reason, every other time I've tried to go to this site, there's been something wrong with the connection. Anyhow, I finally search the site and while I think it's a great idea that's a fantastic cross-marketing opportunity for Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo (authors of He's Just Not That Into You), there are some fundamental things wrong with this concept and the site.

1. Closure Comes From Time, Not "Knowing The Truth"

It's funny how when a woman goes through a breakup everyone likes to pretend that all that needs to happen for women is to find out "what happened". Women are naturally very intuitive, and thus there are three options when it comes to the ending of a relationship and the subsequent state of devastation a woman goes through. A) She already knows what happened and either doesn't want to acknowledge it or is not self-aware enough to get it, B) she's fragile as hell and hearing the truth out loud will break her into a million pieces, or C) getting some answers will make her want to know even more. None of these are great options. Which is why it's generally best to just walk away with a clean break and try to pick up the pieces as you can.

2. Some Of The Site's Questions Don't Deserve An Answer

Some say there's no such thing as a stupid question, but such zingers as "are you beginning to bore your friends with your complaining and constant rehashing?" and "is [your breakup] consuming your life and preventing you from meeting someone new?" are exceptions to the rule. Am I beginning to bore my friends with my complaining? Of course! Have we met? Every woman bores her friends with her complaining at some point, either while in the relationship or after it's over or in both instances. Is my breakup consuming my life and preventing me from meeting someone new? Why, yes! And you telling me that he's just not that into me isn't going to boil the passion over in my new hookup, either. Just an FYI.

3. True Stalkers Don't Talk About It

The "Stalkers Anonymous" forum is a redundant concept. A truly dedicated stalker, be it physical or e-stalking, doesn't talk about it. They sit quietly on their laptop in the darkness of their bedroom or creep through the streets in their car late at night and then they go to bed and wake up and go into their day as though nothing happened. This is a coping mechanism in a class by itself, and the real stalkers won't discuss the ins and outs of their getting-by methods online.

4. A Doctor Worth $4.95 Can't Be Trusted

For the super low price of four dollars and ninety-five cents, you, too, can chat with Dr. Craig April, a random psychologist that owns an anxiety attack center in LA, about your failed relationship. That won't make you feel like a loser. If we're going to seek help after a relationship, I wholly believe in splurging on a nice high-rise, a leather couch and a Harvard Psy.D; someone respectable who will serve you tea and coffee while you wait and unapologetically charge you over $200 an hour like a gentleman.

I get the founder's point. It is a lovely idea for the MIA party in a dead love affair to have an outlet by which to explain what happened (if they know), and I can imagine that it's often cathartic for the "dissed" party to glean some understanding of exactly what went wrong. Maybe I'm just old-fashioned. When it comes to the wounds that unanswered questions leave, I would rather they heal themselves, and I'm also certain that overeating and crying alone at night is by far the best therapy any girl could have. Because ultimately, it's only the disgusting feeling that multiple winter nights spent eating entire pints of Ben & Jerry's and crying over Beaches and Steel Magnolias breeds that propels a heartbroken woman into the next phase of her life--which is generally jam- packed with fitness, whirlwind nightlife, and shameless flirting with strangers. I don't think that a sad phone conversation with a psychologist would make me wake up the next day with a new lease on life. Whywasidissed is a fine, well-intentioned idea; I'm just sure that I'm not the only girl that still believes that even though there are a million different ways to purge the pain, at the end of the day, it's so true: love takes time. 


tyra said...

Gotta strongly disagree with the statement "true stalkers don't talk about it".

I think there are two kinds of stalkers: ones who know they are wrong and ones who don't.

One of my exes' sisters used to take her children with her on "drive-bys". The kids knew her ass was wrong, but she thought it was just part of being in a relationship.

And I can't tell you how many women I've sat with as they stalked. Whether I rode with her crouched in the front seat past someone's mama's house, lent my cell so she could try calling him from a different number to see if he was just avoiding her calls, helped her find out info online etc, etc.

Anonymous said...

I have to cosign with Tyra on that one. I recall being in a car with the author and two other friends, driving through the parking lot of Dream back in the day. I believe there was a side view mirror that didn't live to tell the tale.

Ashleigh Marie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Ashleigh Marie said...

Okay, first...WOW!!! Calling me out is counterproductive "Anonymous"!!! And don't think labeling yourself "Anonymous" fools anyone!

Also, you're right Ty, there are some stalkers who talk about nothing else except their stalking activities. In order to be as succinct as possible, though, I definitely oversimplified. But you have to admit that women who go on and on about stalking aren't one-timers or someone who did a drive-by stalk and was ashamed... I'd argue that those women talk so much about their overall neuroses that the stalking gets lost in the mix. But...I have to admit, I have been a part of some major stalking over the years. I will note that it typically wasn't discussed afterward...