Wednesday, February 18, 2009

New Rules: Because Sometimes Being BIC Is Just Being Contrary

"slap it up/flip it/rub it down/oh noooo..."--Bell Biv Devoe

It's pretty clear that our society is obsessed with assigning numbers. We love "Top Ten"s and "Top Forty"s. We also love steps to perfection, which is why so many American self-help sounds like "Top Ten Ways To Make Your Kids Listen" and "Top Five Ways To Get Him To Propose". But let's be honest: the lists are annoying. Sometimes, don't you have the urge to just flip them completely and see what you come up with? Glad you asked. I wondered too. So in the first of many, I'm going to do just that. Enjoy the list after the jump.

Likely in an effort to keep people gainfully employed in the flailing economy, CNN decided to publish a CareerBuilder.com article on the "13 Things To Keep To Yourself At Work". But what if these were instead the 13 things to share at work? Presented: the BIC version.

  • Medical History: Who doesn't wonder about the health of their co-workers? Especially that woman who spends half her day in the bathroom or the guy who keeps syringes in his desk. Be sure to do your part and share all medical information, before and after doctor's appointments. Yeast infections and any and all STD's are particularly going to be of interest and will make your name the name on everyone's lips.  
  • Confidential Work Information: Nobody likes the person who finds out juicy information concerning hirings, firings, lay-offs, and /or interoffice affairs and stays silent about it. Keeping these things to yourself can make you look like a boring, by-the-book person if anyone finds out that you knew and didn't tell. Just make sure that you share information in the most appropriate way: by instant messenger or personal email. 
  • Plans To Quit: When you're considering leaving your job, you should begin dressing well and take plenty of afternoons off to interview. When you're asked if everything is okay since you've been taking so many afternoons off, you should say "Oh, everything is 'bout to be GREAT!" and smile to yourself cryptically before walking away. You should then begin to come in later and later until you're approached about it by a superior. Once that happens, you should nod obnoxiously during the lecture, roll your eyes, and on the way out of the office mutter loudly, "Damn, I hope [So and So] calls with that job offer soon because I can't WAIT to put in my notice in next month!" 
  • Online Venting Sites: You should put up risque pictures on Facebook and make sure that you tag your co-workers. You should also chase this with several Craigslist rants about your office, naming your boss by his full name, middle included. Include the office address as well. 
  • Matters Of The Heart: Put obnoxious pictures of your boyfriend all around your desk. When you're angry at him, stalk in looking like crap and stick all of his photos in your desk, slamming the door and ignoring everyone all day. Take all of his calls when you're fighting and yell at him loudly through the phone as everyone is trying to work. Begin to cry and run from the room and if and when someone takes a passing interest in your misery, vent for an hour and prevent them from doing any work at all. 
  • Politics: Talk loudly about who you voted for in the past election and why. Choose the most offensive reason for not voting for your candidate's opponent and go on incessantly about why that issue is so important to you. 
  • Salary: Keep bright-colored post-its with your salary on the wall next to your desk under the headline "TAKE-HOME PAY" next to the date. Whether it's high or low, it will be applicable. Replace the old post-it with a new one every payday and 3-D emoticons demonstrating your feelings about said pay. 
  • Religion: Pray out loud at your desk every morning, making sure to pray extra loudly about those around you. When you've finished, look up and wink at them and nod knowingly. When and if they don't respond, attack them for being non-believers and pray again, loudly, for their discernment. 
  • Your Privileged Life: Brag incessantly about who you know and how it's gotten you where you are. Look down on absolutely everyone in your office as a peon and treat them as such, including your boss. 
  • Therapy Sessions: Make your therapy appointments loudly on the phone while co-workers are present. Tell everyone that you are in therapy and need them to be lenient and understanding because your shrink thinks you are a passive-aggressive narcissist who didn't receive enough love as a child and looks for it in meaningless sex with men who abuse you.  
  • The Rubik's Cube That Is Your Personal Life: Explain everything that has gone wrong in your life in the past five years anytime anyone will listen. Explain how those things have led you to where you are at this point. Explain how your behaviors haven't changed enough to cause a major shift in your life and how some of those same old issues are still present in your life to this day. 
  • Gossip: What's work without gossip? If nothing good is going on, make something up about the person you like the least and watch it spread. When it gets back to you, change one or two details to make it more interesting and send it back around. 
  • Comedy: Comedy is comedy...tell a joke or two. Racial, genital, dirty/freaky, ethnic jokes are pretty much fair game. Anyone who doesn't get it can go kick rocks.

1 comment:

tyra said...

You sound like grandma...re:the medical history. I was nodding approval when I remembered how she used to tell us to write down the names of people's prescriptions and look up what they have later. Sounds like you've taken that to heart...