Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Daily DIC: Are You Gonna Eat That?

"respect the game/that should be it/what you eat don't make me s***..."--Jay-Z

Man, I'm really not a huge Schwarzenegger fan. I don't dislike him, and I think he's done some good things for the state of California, but I didn't even vote for the man. So trust me when I tell you that even though I'm a Californian (carpet-bagger, yes, but a Californian for what it's worth) I'm far from being a Schwarz-groupie. However, I definitely respect that man's hustle right here. All the Republican governors who are trying to front on the stimulus by turning down funds? El Terminator dice "dame su dinero". He's partially joking but mostly serious. And I love him for it. Plus, I want my state income tax return, stat. 

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Monday, February 23, 2009

Naked Ambition

"all you catty creatures/i got my better features too/so step aside you leeches/i'm gonna teach a trick to you" --Donna Summer

Here's the deal. No words are really necessary, but I will point out the Obama picture painted on her thigh. 

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Throwback BIC: Walk It Out

"do it how you do it/g'on and walk it out/i said/do it how you do it/g'on and walk it out..."--UNK Ft. 3000 & Jim Jones

This is was what went for fly in the 60's. Not bad. Remix after the jump. It's my new favorite thing. I had to share...

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I'm Just Not That Into It

"met him on sunday/loved him by tuesday afternoon/woke up on friday/changed my whole life to make some room..."--Esthero

 A couple weeks ago, on opening weekend, I went to see a film that a lot of American women went to see: He's Just Not That Into You (HJNTIY). The theater was packed--with women--smacking on popcorn and sipping on Coke Zero as we tried to be enlightened. At least I was trying to be enlightened. Others had clearly come to a) get angry(-ier) about their current situation or a past instance of someone not being that into them, b) cry about every man who had ever hurt them, c) laugh at the stupidity of other women because they had clearly given up on men themselves, or d) spend their Saturday night seeing a star-studded chick flick because they [erroneously] felt nothing in the movie applied to them. Although the film was, by most accounts, fluff that fundamentally portrayed women as incredibly dumb and desperate creatures, there was some unpacking to be done. So instead of being able to fully enjoy the film, I found myself scribbling notes and questions into my PDA. For your pleasure, the major themes I noticed unpacked after the jump.

Why Are Unattainable Men So Sexy?

We all know that men with attachments are sexy, but why? I haven't ever quite figured this out, even for myself. In my opinion, formed by years of wondering what my own attraction to the spoken-for or otherwise occupied is, it's that women that have trouble with true, naked intimacy are relieved to find someone for whom they don't feel obligated to bare all. When a man is so obviously holding such a large part of himself from you, there's no compelling reason to be an open book for him, and so while your reasons for not wanting to be open may have nothing to do with other relationships or commitment issues, some women just aren't convinced that a man won't disappoint them once they've spelled themselves completely out. Attached men are virtually risk-free, because even when things fall apart, one only has herself to blame, which can be a welcome relief from pain that ebbs from another [uncontrollable] source. In HJNTIY, Anna (Scarlett Johansson) is sprung over very married Ben (Bradley Cooper). While obviously attracted to Anna, Ben does share with her towards the end of their first conversation that he is married--happily. Anna is so disappointed that she finds herself bitching to her friend, Mary (Drew Barrymore), about it. And Mary does what so many women do, issues a slight admonishment and warning chased quickly by a bevy of stories about women who found their true love while he was still married to another woman. Her mild encouragement of the situation gives Anna the free reign and courage to pursue a married man, and her friend doesn't feel one bit bad about it. Which leads me to the next point.

Is Most Of Our BIC Organic Or Does It Come From The BIC Of Others? Is BIC Transferred, Like Energy?

One thing HJNTIY makes clear is that female relationships breed a lot of the delusion and misjudgment about romantic relationships. During the course of the film, desperately single Gigi's (Gennifer Goodwin) relationship with her co-workers Janine (Jennifer Connelly) who is coincidentally married to Ben, and Beth (Jennifer Aniston) who's been trying to egg her live-in love of seven years to marry her, is the source of constant comedy. And yet, Gigi is a sad case--a woman constantly on the prowl for her eternal, perfect love. She obsesses over every number she collects, waits anxiously for men she just met to call, thinks every date is the beginning of the rest of her life. And while it's comical and over the top, it's real. Many of us live our lives this way, biting fingernails waiting for the love of our life to show up. And if he's not the love of our life, we like to try to make him it anyway. It's troublesome to see these larger-than-life issues up on the larger-than-life screen, because it makes clear just how dysfunctional female relationships can be. We never want to hurt each other's feelings, and we want to be hopeless romantics for our friends and sometimes ourselves as well. The cold, hard truth--which we all too often see and don't want to speak--sounds too harsh, too mean and the times when we should say "he's just not that into you" we say "you guys would have such cute kids". Of course, I should add the caveat that men often add exponentially to this conundrum by sending such conflicting messages. Just when women begin to feel that they should move on, a man will step back into the picture and accept more sex (those advertising posters talking about "breakup sex still means you're broken up" really piss me off, by the way--where is the self-control from the male side of the equation?!), or generally begin acting more interested. This is often, of course, just long enough to get the attention they crave back.

BIC transference often comes down to the simple truth that girlfriends never want to be on the wrong side of history.  If we say "move on, he's not feeling you" and he is, then silently there will always be a side-eye situation from our friend and possibly even Mr. Conflicting Message. If we say "girl, i think he really loves you, you should give him another chance" and he leaves her a broken shell of a person, there's always a bit of guilt for encouraging your friend to shoot for the moon and then watching her crash violently to the Earth. Thus, a vicious cycle is born. All that said, I think women are naturally a little off-balance. After a deep depression coupled with a hysterical laughing jag that suddenly morphed into a horrifyingly long sobbing session in front of my best friend and a drive-thru cashier on Friday, I'm all too aware that the hormones coursing through our body ensure that we are going to have our fair share of unbalanced thoughts, ideas, and half-baked plans. I mean, Tameka Foster Raymond, who my best friend and I have decided is suffering from severe postpartum symptoms, is a prime example of the fact that women don't always make the best decisions. But our friends too often contribute their own hormone-driven craziness into the fray, making bad situations worse.

With All Of This Intel, Op/Ed, Pontification, and Discussion Are Women Getting Smarter or Dumber?

The scariest part of HJNTIY for me came after the film. As I was waiting for the bathroom (you already know how long to wait was with all those women and their 32 oz. diet sodas), there was a group of three young twenty-somethings in front of me, talking about the movie. "No, you don't even understand that I am totally dating [that character]! I mean, on Tuesday, we went to lunch, and then he didn't call like, for like two days. But then he totally sent me a text and I'm like 'okay'..." You get the drift. This exchange went on for several minutes, during which she listed at least two blatantly disrespectful slights from this guy. And the entire time I wanted to shake her and ask if she had seen the same film I did. She sounded exactly like the crazy, desperate character in the film--and neither she nor her homegirls were able to see or were willing to acknowledge this. It frightens me to see so many chicks sitting in the theater for 100 minutes watching a film about how insane and ridiculous women's behavior concerning opposite-sex relationships can get, and then to bust out of the theater thinking about how to apply those same insane and ridiculous tactics mocked satirically on-screen to their own dating life. Don't you get it?, I wanted to ask. You sound like an idiot!! "He totally likes you, too," her friend said, and sad, desperate girl seemed happy with this assertion. But when she caught my eye (and sight of my horrified, incredulous gaze) and said "she understands!" I fixed my face and smiled. I nodded. There was no hope for this girl. Why not just give her what she wanted? It would either fall on deaf ears or she would get what I was about to say. "Oh, yeah," I said, "he's totally into you." In a flash, she had her cell out, texting her dignity away.

Surely No One Believes That Black Women Don't Struggle With HJNTIY Issues

Which brings me to another point. It's pretty glaringly obvious that there's not one substantial Black role in this film. There is a random Black woman being sexed up on a couch by a wormy White womanizer, but that's about it. I see the logic in that, and I see the prejudice in that as well. There are certainly Black actresses who could have carried, and even added a substantial amount of depth to, one of these roles. But I also see the point that having a Black woman would make it an entirely different film. In the interest of being true to who the characters are, it would have been something of a detour to begin unpacking the neuroses of Black women in relationships, as our cultural allowances and hinderances are vastly misunderstood and misrepresented already. It's not that we're not just as delusional and insane, but our delusion and insanity is demonstrated in much different ways. That said, it wouldn't have hurt to throw Zoe Saldana in Jennifer Connelly's role or something. But bygones.

My fear for women is deep-seeded because honestly, if you sit through an entire film that tells you your way of relating to men is wrong and gives you a fairly comprehensive picture of what doesn't work, and you're energized by the dont's and disregard the do's, where can help possibly come from? The silver lining is that this site isn't going anywhere for a long, long time because clearly, BIC will never go out of style.

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Sunday, February 22, 2009

Daily DIC: Stop The Madness

"soon as i let my guard down/ooh there you again/in my grill/til i call the cops and then..."--Tamia

Look here, now. This is getting to be pretty incredible. First, Chris Brown. Then Terrance
Howard's no-brainer domestically violent past was mysteriously exposed. Now, ridiculously-large-to-be-putting-his-hands-on-a-woman Suge Knight--who's curiously had his ass beaten by two different men recently--not only gets out of pocket in Sin City with his girlfriend, Melissa, but skates because LVPD currently cannot locate Melissa (which should be a top law enforcement priority when dealing with Suge Knight). I think we've all had enough. Do we need to have another Million Man March? Because apparently fools need some serious reindoctrination. And just because I'm quickly getting fighting mad about this, a list of celebrities I can readily think of that have ridden the 'Is Wayne Brady Gonna Have To Choke A Bitch' Train after the jump. To be fair, there are some mentionable women as well.

DICs That Hit

  • Billy Dee Williams
  • Brian McKnight
  • Don Cornelius
  • Robert Van Winkle (Vanilla Ice)
  • Bishop Thomas Weeks
  • Mike Tyson
  • Dennis Rodman

BICs That Hit

  • Hillary Clinton has been known to assault her husband, former President Bill Clinton, on numerous occasions, by hitting, severe scratching/cutting, and striking with objects such as a lamp and an ashtray.
  • Whitney Houston was widely acknowledged as domestically violent towards her ex-husband, Bobby Brown.
  • Brenda Harvey-Richie was arrested for the assault of both her [now ex-] husband, Lionel Richie, and his mistress in their hotel room prior to their 1993 divorce.

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Saturday, February 21, 2009

A Picture's Worth A Thousand Words

"you're lying/cuz you're stuttering/now where were you..."--Joe

Young Chris Brown could learn a thing or two about anger management from Usher. After a week of trying to figure out why exactly Tameka Foster Raymond was in Brazil, of all places, having a tummy tuck and liposuction two months after giving birth and why her husband cosigned, we find out that Tameka's super-BIC ass didn't tell him a) she was even headed out of the country and b) about her impending surgery.
Unfortunately, not only did she lie to her husband, but she lied to the doctors about how long it had been since the birth of her son Naviyd. Maybe if she had been honest, the doctors might have been able to prevent her subsequent heart attack during anesthesia, which snowballed into Usher having to cancel his Grammy performance plans to rush to her bedside escorting a surgeon from Cedars Sinai. Usher was none too happy, probably far less because of the interruption of his plans than because of his wife's shocking omission of the truth about her whereabouts, the fact that she left their children to have the surgery, and lastly because of her lies to have the surgery which could have left him a widower and his sons without a mother. I think his expression going to visit his wife in the hospital the day he arrived says it all. He looks like he can't imagine talking to, touching, or looking at Tameka. In fact, he looks like he wants to slap the dog food out of her for getting them both into this predicament. But, like a good partner, he sucks it up and shows up like he's supposed to--all without physical violence. Sure, he's probably seriously contemplating divorce, and he might light all her stuff on fire when he returns to Atlanta, but he refrained from boxing her about the head, which in this case might have taken actual rational restraint.

Meanwhile, even Tameka, who nearly died last week, doesn't look half as bad returning to the States as Rihanna did in the LAPD after whatever spat her teenage love affair turned into last week. Chris: take notes. Tight jaw, cool. Silent treatment, cool. Contusions, notsomuch.

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NBA All-Star BIC

"oh they're weird and they're wonderful/oh benny she's really keen..."--Elton John 

Beyonce: Eva, girl, that sweater is too cute.

Eva: (blushing; giggles) Thank you, Beyonce!! So is your...hair.

Beyonce: Girl, I wasn't even thinkin when I got dressed today. You know I been MIA for everything else this month; people just oughta be glad I even showed up. You see I got my shades on. I'm tryna get in and get out.

Eva: You make me wish I had worn my shiny pantyhose with cutoff denim shorts. In February.

Beyonce: For real?!? Thank you, girl! Jay was tryna talk out his neck about it earlier, but you know I clipped that real quick. Sheeeeeet, we married now! (looking around) Girl, how do you do this? I mean, Jay has groupies, but these basketball hoes are somethin else, hunny!! They get so crazy at All-Star! Ole' raggedy heffas.

Eva: Yeah...I really love your shades, too, Beyonce.

Beyonce: Oh, thanks girl. What you doin later?

Eva: Yeah...remember when people thought we were going to be playing lesbians in a movie? That was funny.

Beyonce: Yeah, that was a nice PR move. You know the kids love me! (snaps and laughs)

Eva: Oh, who doesn't love you Beyonce? You're so awesome.

Beyonce: Oh....girl, thank you. You know I try to be fabulous for the kids. (snaps and laughs again, nervously) Anyhow, girl, I'm bout to skate before these people start takin more pictures. I really don't know what I have on.

Eva: You're leaving? Wait, you can wear my sweater if you want!

Beyonce: That's really sweet, Eva. But what would you wear?

Eva: Oh...I don't know. It doesn't matter! I'll make Tony give me his jersey or something.

Beyonce: Eva, you trippin girl. Tony playin in the game! What would he wear?

Eva: Oh, stop. You shouldn't have to worry about things like that! Here-- (begins to lift her sweater over her head)

Beyonce: Eva, girl, I'm finna leave. You actin crazy. If you want, you can find my sister somewhere around here. She like all that tradin clothes and stuff. I'ma catch you a lil later.

Eva: Okay, Beyonce. Call me! (yelling after her as Beyonce scoots away through the crowd) Call me!!!

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Daily BIC: Can't Hide Love

"it wasn't me..."--Shaggy

Although it's clear Carrie Underwood is doing it more to protect her privacy from the press, I think we've all been here:

Yup, last time for me was slowly sliding down in the corner of a restaurant booth...

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Daily DIC: The World Is Not Enough For SJC And His Ego

"you can pay for school/but you can't buy class..."--Jay-Z

Bossip reports that Diddy is releasing a new album of "train music"--a "new movement" in music characterizing a blend of electronic, hip-hop, and funk. I have several problems with this information.
  • Does anyone need any new "movements" from Diddy? The last few "movements"--Danity Kane, Day 26, Making the Band, Fonzworth Bentley, and impregnating wifey and side chick at the same time were quite enough, thanks. 
  • Puffy Puff P.Diddy DiddySean Combs says that we're going to see a new side of him, as his new release is a "profound love story". Love of who?? Self?? Cassie? Kim? Ever-growing brood of children? Cristal? Ciroc? Sell us another one, Derek Luke.
  • The title of the album, Last Train to Paris, is probably way too hot for what Diddy will actually put in the streets. If I purchase an album with the title Last Train To Paris I don't want to hear "can't stop/won't stop" anywhere on it. I also don't want to hear the words "bad" and "boy" together anywhere on it. Oddly enough, I wouldn't mind the same thing from Roc-A-Fella. *shrug*

    Best of luck to him. Maybe it'll be hot. I put nothing past Diddy's business prowess or his ability to self-reinvent, albeit temporarily. But my breath is hardly baited and I doubt I'm alone.

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    Friday, February 20, 2009

    Crazy Baby Lady Update

    "pressure on me/but the seed has grown/i can't make it on my own..."--Erykah Badu

    Although I had words for the silly folks who have been watching her every move and criticizing her for doing little things like getting her nails done and going to Starbuck's (although I did raise an eyebrow when Miss Thang hit up Nordstrom the other day to get some MAC lip gloss), this new news goes slightly beyond. Apparently, Ms. Suleman is looking for new digs--largely because her complete and total drain of her mother's personal finances has landed her mom's house in foreclosure with an auction date of just over two months away. With homelessness and care for 14 children (11 of whom have special needs) looming over her head, she's looking for a place to post up. She thinks she might have found it in a $1.2 million spot in Whittier.

    Nice place. The marble floors and stairs will be terrific for teaching eight premies how to walk, the theater should entertain the older kiddies and their ADHD at least most of the day,  and best of all, Suleman and her extra 30 pounds of skin can take a jacuzzi out in the back while 14 kids splash around in the pool with little-to-no supervision.  Overall, I'd say this crib is particularly useful for raising a basketball team children. Add to that, the 2.5 bathrooms should really come in handy the handful of times when only two out of 16 inhabitants (1/8th) have to use the bathroom at the same time. Sadly, though, it *still* isn't enough space for the 14 kids, Suleman and her mom who will likely have to tag along out of both duty and necessity. Plus, while Suleman can fork over a downpayment by selling her story a few more times, she has zero chance of keeping up payments on that house unless she can find some means of income outside of her mother's Social Security. A collage of the prospective audacity Gingerbread House after the jump.

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    DIC Report

    "****** is crazy baby/don't forget that boy told ya..."--Jay-Z

    Tyler: Let's Not And Say We Did [BlackFilm]

    LisaRaye Dropped Him Just In Time [Bossip]

    Someone Tell Michael Steele--And My Father--That "Bling Bling" And "How Do You Like Me Now" Will Not Make Republicans "Hip-Hop" [WashTimes]

    How Quickly Our Fresh Young Talents Grow Into Disgusting Celebrities [AP]

    Erykah Twittering Her Home Birth Is One Thing But Shouldn't Homeboy Be Paying Attention? [CNN]

    Barack Needs To Stop Playing And Put On A Damn Coat [AP]

    Bill.Clinton!Says.Barack!Must Be More.Hopeful. [ABCNews]

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    BIC Report

    "and the girls go crazy..."--R.Kelly

    Who Wants To Marry A Geek? She Did And You Would Too [Vogue]

    Though Always Beautiful And Often Admirable, Ashley Judd Gets Stranger and Stranger With Time [HuffPost]

    Barbara Walters Thinks She's Better Than Bonnie Hunt--And You Do Too [HuffPost]

    McCain's Bust It Lobbyist Is Done With Her Walk of Shame Lawsuit [Politico]

    If We Were All Paid $60 For Phone Calls, We Wouldn't Be In A Recession [Anchorage Daily]

    A Lot Of Women Think They Live With Apes, But... [MSNBC]

    Level Thinking Like This Is Probably Why She's Been Oscar-Nominated Six Times [People]

    Forever Begging The Question Why Hillary Clinton Is The Only Female Pol With Her Own Nutcracker On The Market [Rolling Stone]

    Just Call Her The Kimora Lee Simmons Of France [Vogue]

    Michele Bachmann Says Something Else Ridiculous [Wonkette]

    Gotta Love It: True Black History In The White House [Bossip]

    It's Probably Best For Christina to Keep Mariah's--And Nick's--Name Out Of Her Mouth [Bossip]

    Funny How Hollering About STDs During Divorce Proceedings Gets Messy Every Time [AP]

    Have You Ever Seen A White Monkey? Me Either. Wawa, Clean It Up. [Jezebel]

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    Crazy Baby Lady Update

    "damn/i think i wanna have yo baby..."--Salt N' Pepa

    Just as Nadya Suleman's mother is softening her tone, Suleman's father, Ed Doud, is putting his two cents into the conversation. Where Nadya's mom, Angela Suleman, sold her interview to Radaronline.com for 40 g's, daddy went on Oprah. Hopefully he and his wife don't have any kind of bet or contest going on, because if so Angela's next retirement check is going to be disappearing a lot faster than she's used to. Also, Suleman's been offered a place to say with the 14 kids and help from a California non-profit. According to the founder of the organization, it will take $135,000 a month to care for the children, three of which have mild disabilities in addition to the eight newborns' precarious health. Madea Angela might be joining them wherever they go, as her home is in foreclosure and set to be sold at auction as early as May.

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    BIC History Month: Uncommon Thief

    "see i packed up my diamonds and clothes..."--Mariah Carey 

    In the 1940's, West Virginia-born teenager Doris Payne went to pay a family bill at a small retail store in her new hometown of Cleveland, Ohio. She talked to the owner, who liked her, as she tried on jewelry. But when a white customer entered, Doris was ushered out hastily while still wearing a lovely watch. Even though she returned the watch to the storeowner, she realized that her getting out of the store was far more important to him than recalling whether or not she was still wearing the jewelry. This is what Oprah so aptly calls an "Aha" moment.
    Stealing jewelry, or rather just 'walking away' became a game for Doris; she'd talk her way out of the store wearing the jewelry or ask to try so many things on that slipping one into her other palm as she said goodbye to the store clerk became second nature. After stealing her first major piece of jewelry, a $22,000 diamond ring, in 1953 at the age of 23, Doris realized she'd found a career that would afford her the opportunity of never having to return to her job working in a nursing home.

    So she got her game tight, purchasing expensive bags and outfits that helped her play the part of a woman who could afford to purchase the jewelry she lifted. And even though bulletins began going out in 1970 about a well-dressed Black woman who was stealing diamonds, Doris' game got tighter as she took her game international, traveling throughout Europe and Asia collecting and selling jewels, using both her race and her stellar distraction skills to her shoplifting advantage. Infamous in the national and international crime-fighting community, Doris became one of the most well-known international jewel thieves of the 20th century, and certainly the only notable Black female jewel thief in American history. So notable, in fact, that veteran Hollywood writer and producer Eunetta T. Boone has penned a script about her--Who Is Doris Payne--and Halle Berry has signed on to play her in a film that begins production later this year.

    The birth of the internet and technological advances pretty much ended Doris' heyday. She's easily recognized by department store security personnel and  law enforcement everywhere and was busted a couple years ago for stealing a diamond ring from Neiman Marcus, a sentence she's still serving.  Once she's finished with that sentence, she has to start serving the other sentences she's skipped out on over the years. Because typically when she was arrested, Doris managed to sweet-talk her way into the hearts of her captors, disarm them, and then...she just walked away.

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    Strip Tease

    "get naked/strip down to your soul..."--Diddy

    Amy, I'm not a "fan", but I'll say it: 'Dear, you're too old. Please put your clothes back on.'

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    Throwback BIC: Renee

    "she said my name is renee/i said i got a whole lot to say/so may i walk you to your subway..."--The Lost Boyz

    Spoken word snaps for the first Throwback BIC that's actually Throwback DIC...but since it's all about a woman, it gets a pass. All I think about when I hear this song is being in the car with my father waiting for my bus to school in the winter when this came on. I wanted to get really hype because I loved this song, but I didn't want to seem too into it because I already knew my operation was about to get shut down in a major way when the "she started feelin on my chest/I started feelin on her breast" part came up... Even though I got in the car and turned on the hip-pop station first thing anytime we went anywhere, my father used any excuse to change to the jazz station. And even though that morning did end up in an extended jazz remix, I still jammed "Renee" so hard the year it came out that I remember every word. RIP Renee, a classic BIC "shorty". And RIP 1996, for a multitude of reasons.

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    What A Tangled Web We Need

    "pat your weave ladies/pat/pat/pat your weave ladies..."--Beyonce

    I will never talk about anybody's bad weave again--apparently, they save lives.

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    Thursday, February 19, 2009

    For Love Or Money

    "love peace and happiness/i want all the things that lovers do/a pocketful of dreams come true..."--Calloway

    "And that is why, when it comes to money, marriage is such a privilege."

    --Right, marriage is a financial privilege. That's why the rich are always rushing to get married, because it makes them richer. And your marriage money growth isn't at all affected by little things like pre-nuptial agreements or the nearly 60% divorce rate in this country. No, no, we're all the exception, not the rule. All of our marriages last. Therefore, it is a wise financial decision. Right on, Suze.

    "You will save thousands, tens of thousands of dollars, all kinds of money, if you're allowed to be married."

    --There are a lot of men who would vehemently disagree with that statement.

    "That is why, in my opinion, it is such a travesty that a few months ago Proposition 8 in California passed, Proposition 2 in Florida passed. What is that about, everybody?"

    --Okay, watch closely for the Suze Orman gay lifestyle sell.

    "We are taking away a birthright, if you ask me, for people to get the most out of the money that they have spent their lives working for."

    --Ahhh, there it is. Strong word there: birthright. Good opening...what's next?

    "These people are making money, they pay taxes on the money."

    --Yeah, it's pretty obvious they're making the money. The live in the cutest urban enclaves in America and next door to every new Pottery Barn and Williams & Sonoma that hits the US market. That stuff ain't cheap.

    "Every single one of us deserves to have the same financial benefits, whether we are gay or whether we are straight."

    --And you, Suze, are gay, which I point out only because I feel like you're making an emotional and senseless appeal for the first time I can recall. You're a gay financial advisor, and I question whether that makes you blind to the fact that the folks you are addressing, the folks who voted "yes" on Prop 8? Yeah, they don't care so much about the financial benefits of marriage for you guys. Do you think that the millions the Mormon's pumped into the effort was a direct affront solely to your desire to get some mutual funds with your bottom bitch? Not quite.

    "And therefore, we have to do everything we can to turn that around. Every single one of us deserves to be loved, every single one of us deserves to love, and every single one of us deserves to make the most out of the money that we have. That's my Valentine's Day wish for every single one of us."

    --"And my other Valentine's Day wish is to ring the NYSE bell and make love all day on crisp $100 dollar bills."

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    Wednesday, February 18, 2009

    New Rules: Because Sometimes Being BIC Is Just Being Contrary

    "slap it up/flip it/rub it down/oh noooo..."--Bell Biv Devoe

    It's pretty clear that our society is obsessed with assigning numbers. We love "Top Ten"s and "Top Forty"s. We also love steps to perfection, which is why so many American self-help sounds like "Top Ten Ways To Make Your Kids Listen" and "Top Five Ways To Get Him To Propose". But let's be honest: the lists are annoying. Sometimes, don't you have the urge to just flip them completely and see what you come up with? Glad you asked. I wondered too. So in the first of many, I'm going to do just that. Enjoy the list after the jump.

    Likely in an effort to keep people gainfully employed in the flailing economy, CNN decided to publish a CareerBuilder.com article on the "13 Things To Keep To Yourself At Work". But what if these were instead the 13 things to share at work? Presented: the BIC version.

    • Medical History: Who doesn't wonder about the health of their co-workers? Especially that woman who spends half her day in the bathroom or the guy who keeps syringes in his desk. Be sure to do your part and share all medical information, before and after doctor's appointments. Yeast infections and any and all STD's are particularly going to be of interest and will make your name the name on everyone's lips.  
    • Confidential Work Information: Nobody likes the person who finds out juicy information concerning hirings, firings, lay-offs, and /or interoffice affairs and stays silent about it. Keeping these things to yourself can make you look like a boring, by-the-book person if anyone finds out that you knew and didn't tell. Just make sure that you share information in the most appropriate way: by instant messenger or personal email. 
    • Plans To Quit: When you're considering leaving your job, you should begin dressing well and take plenty of afternoons off to interview. When you're asked if everything is okay since you've been taking so many afternoons off, you should say "Oh, everything is 'bout to be GREAT!" and smile to yourself cryptically before walking away. You should then begin to come in later and later until you're approached about it by a superior. Once that happens, you should nod obnoxiously during the lecture, roll your eyes, and on the way out of the office mutter loudly, "Damn, I hope [So and So] calls with that job offer soon because I can't WAIT to put in my notice in next month!" 
    • Online Venting Sites: You should put up risque pictures on Facebook and make sure that you tag your co-workers. You should also chase this with several Craigslist rants about your office, naming your boss by his full name, middle included. Include the office address as well. 
    • Matters Of The Heart: Put obnoxious pictures of your boyfriend all around your desk. When you're angry at him, stalk in looking like crap and stick all of his photos in your desk, slamming the door and ignoring everyone all day. Take all of his calls when you're fighting and yell at him loudly through the phone as everyone is trying to work. Begin to cry and run from the room and if and when someone takes a passing interest in your misery, vent for an hour and prevent them from doing any work at all. 
    • Politics: Talk loudly about who you voted for in the past election and why. Choose the most offensive reason for not voting for your candidate's opponent and go on incessantly about why that issue is so important to you. 
    • Salary: Keep bright-colored post-its with your salary on the wall next to your desk under the headline "TAKE-HOME PAY" next to the date. Whether it's high or low, it will be applicable. Replace the old post-it with a new one every payday and 3-D emoticons demonstrating your feelings about said pay. 
    • Religion: Pray out loud at your desk every morning, making sure to pray extra loudly about those around you. When you've finished, look up and wink at them and nod knowingly. When and if they don't respond, attack them for being non-believers and pray again, loudly, for their discernment. 
    • Your Privileged Life: Brag incessantly about who you know and how it's gotten you where you are. Look down on absolutely everyone in your office as a peon and treat them as such, including your boss. 
    • Therapy Sessions: Make your therapy appointments loudly on the phone while co-workers are present. Tell everyone that you are in therapy and need them to be lenient and understanding because your shrink thinks you are a passive-aggressive narcissist who didn't receive enough love as a child and looks for it in meaningless sex with men who abuse you.  
    • The Rubik's Cube That Is Your Personal Life: Explain everything that has gone wrong in your life in the past five years anytime anyone will listen. Explain how those things have led you to where you are at this point. Explain how your behaviors haven't changed enough to cause a major shift in your life and how some of those same old issues are still present in your life to this day. 
    • Gossip: What's work without gossip? If nothing good is going on, make something up about the person you like the least and watch it spread. When it gets back to you, change one or two details to make it more interesting and send it back around. 
    • Comedy: Comedy is comedy...tell a joke or two. Racial, genital, dirty/freaky, ethnic jokes are pretty much fair game. Anyone who doesn't get it can go kick rocks.

    >>read more

    Monday, February 16, 2009

    BIC Report

    "the girls go crazy..."--R. Kelly

    Jumping Around The Grammy Stage Actually Did Dilate M.I.A. [HuffPost]

    Having To Eat From The Dollar Menu Allows Us To Afford Vodka And Create Vomitous Cocktails [ThisRecording] [ThisIsWhyYoureFat]

    It's Bitter Divorce Season [NYPost]

    No Really, It's Bitter Divorce Season [NYDaily]

    In A Continued Effort To Be Vastly Disliked In The Entertainment Industry, Angela Bassett Decides To Do More Public Bashing Of Roles and Directors She Doesn't Respect [Bossip]

    If Your Husband Is Supernaturally Gorgeous, Are You Required To Drop More Babies? [MediaTakeout]

    Some Vaginas Are More Mysterious Than Others [Eurweb]

    Following In Hillary's Footsteps, NY's New Senator Stays Packing [Newsday]

    >>read more

    Intercontinental BIC

    "just touched down/konnichiwa..."--Kanye West

    Asian women are usually so composed that it seems as though there aren't a lot of opportunities for a BIC spotlight. So soul clap for the very first official Asian BIC, a nameless Chinese woman who actually needs no introduction. Check the video after the jump and you'll know why.

    >>read more

    Crazy Baby Lady Update

    "have three four kids by you/and have some more if you want me to..."--Brandy

    This week, Nadya's pro-bono publicists quit because they've been receiving too many death threats. Apparently, people are a bit perturbed that despite our economic climate we're all banding together to support this lunatic's reproductive choices, but who knows where people get such unfounded anger. Fortunately, Nadya now has an agent. So we can all breathe a little easier.

    In addition to our past findings, we have learned that: 

    With this, I have something to say. More after the jump.

    I think that Nadya Suleman is just as irresponsible and crazy as the next person does, but I do think it's really unfair to subject her to the "oh my God she's being happy" routine. Yes, the woman has 14 kids. But even though it was her [dumb] choice to have that many children alone, I think everyone should be sensitive to the fact that her large family rules Nadya out for a lot that other women get to enjoy. She has 14 children to think about, and we all know what happens when postpartum depression sets in (Susan Smith, anyone?). If the woman goes to get a manicure and buy some video games for her older children, we really shouldn't be attacking her. I'd only be worried if she started taking Caribbean vacations. But honestly, a quick trip to get your nails painted is not a big deal. Everyone deserves a little time to themselves, if even just to think about what they've done.

    >>read more

    Pour A Little On The Pavement For Convention

    "tellin me them diamonds/when she know they rhinestones..."--Kanye West

     So this "chick" in Ohio pleaded guilty to murdering her elderly husband--by exercising him to death. Caught by video, she reportedly dragged him around their pool and wouldn't allow him to get out even as he begged for a rest and clung to the sides of the pool gasping for breath. Add to this the fact that the wife legally changed her name to Christine "Newton-John" in 1993 in deliberate homage to Olivia of Grease fame, and you have a huge, steaming pile of insanity. But there's a larger issue here than young aerobics-obsessed wives forcing their old spouses to work out: do we truly live in a world where we wait until the end of an article to mention [sex change] "gender-reassignment" issues, as well as the fact that the old man knew his "wife" as a young boy growing up and was well-aware of the sex change?

    Call me old-fashioned, but that's not exactly an aside. Is it?

    >>read more

    Throwback BIC: All Night Long

    "i'm gonna give it to ya/give it to ya/give it to ya/give it to ya..."--Mary Jane Girls

    No one can deny the jamability of this oldie. In hindsight, however, we can definitely deny the cute factor of The Mary Jane Girls, who took just about every single thing wrong with the 80's and tossed them all together for a true mess. Before MJG, there were songs like "Love Come Down", which took years for many of us to realize was referencing bodily fluids, and "Encore", a jam that clearly alluded to getting it in multiple times but didn't spell it out. This finely-spun web of lyrical innuendo obviously frustrated the overtly freaky, which explains why Rick James decided to forego the cutesiness and just lay it on the line.

    It doesn't get any more real than straight up saying "I'm gonna give it to ya". And with the girls gyrating and tip-toeing around stage singing nursery rhyme-esque lyrics like "come on up boy/don't be late/what I got for you won't wait", you uncover what young R. Kelly studied in lieu of homework. Cheers to MJG for displaying raw funk/r&b female sexuality in its infancy. And R.I.P. Rick, a man who always managed to display his particular talent for removing all mystery from the sexual process. As always, it takes a little DIC to get the good stuff.

    >>read more

    BIC History Month: B.A.P.S.

    "baby hair pumpin'/lip gloss shinin'/i think you're in the mood for winin' and dinin'..."--LL Cool J 

    In 1996, Halle Berry was going through a hellish divorce from David Justice, and the dissolution of her marriage and state of her career had her feeling some serious blues. She's said repeatedly that she was incredibly suicidal at that time, and that when she was offered the movie B.A.P.S., she chose the film over death. Praise God, but who doesn't agree that that explains a whole lot? Even though it had a Black female screenwriter and two popular Black actresses, the 1997 release was quite far from Black women's shining cinematic moment. So from Troy Beyer, who penned the script, to Halle and Natalie Desselle and finally, the legions of Black women who flocked to see this coon flick, the entire situation smacks of loose marbles and deserves a place in BIC History.

    >>read more

    Thursday, February 12, 2009

    Throwback BIC: Ready To Run

    "all i'm ready to do is have some/fun/what's all this talk about love..."--Dixie Chicks

    Have you realized that there's never been a country Throwback BIC? That just won't do. If you're not already acquainted with the lovely ladies of The Dixie Chicks--Natalie, Martie, and Emily--then you're missing out on some real, authentic BIC. Not only have they written several BIC-worthy jams (among them "Goodbye Earl", which celebrates the Thelma and Louise-esque murder of an abusive husband and "Not Ready to Make To Make Nice", a tune about their refusal to apologize for disparaging remarks made in concert about President Bush and the Iraq War while touring abroad) but they're also pretty crazy in real life. What's to love about these women is that they're authentic. Much like Erykah Badu, they don't play a role in their music life--it's a valid extension of who they truly are. That's what you call an artist. Enjoy this tune, plucked from The Runaway Bride soundtrack.

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    Wednesday, February 11, 2009

    It Does A Body Good

    "maybe your baby done made some other plans..."--Stevie Wonder

    My grandfather taught us about the difference between involved and committed using an old adage: "Take a bacon and eggs breakfast, for example. The chicken is involved. The pig is committed!"

    If I had to apply involvement and commitment to celebrity charity work, I'd say that everyone else who has gone to Africa is involved. But Salma Hayek, who whipped out her lactating breast in Sierra Leone to suckle a starving African newborn, is committed. Video after the jump. VIDEO HERE

    >>read more

    Country First: BIC Proudly Supports US Plastic Surgeons

    "holy moses/i have been deceived..."--Aretha Franklin

    In light of the "medical emergency" [and possible hack job] following cosmetic surgery that landed Tameka Foster Raymond in the press for the next few weeks, I'm really trying to understand why she needed to go to Brazil to get sucked and tucked. It wasn't for the price cut. It wasn't because there's no surgeon in the US who is capable of gouging the fat out of her thighs properly. And prayerfully she wasn't concerned with privacy, because now that's shot to hell.

    >>read more

    Tuesday, February 10, 2009

    Crazy Baby Lady Update

    "oh mercy mercy me..."--Marvin Gaye

    We really haven't paid enough BIC homage to Nadya Suleman, but honestly it's because she's mildly disgusting for creating and growing eight human beings inside of her at one time. So, there are some things established about Nadya Suleman: 

    Now we learn that Ms. Suleman is on food stamps and living on disability checks. Is it safe to say that we are taking better care of Nadya's children than she is?

    >>read more

    Solo Star

    "people talking shit/i don't give a damn/everything i'm not/makes me everything i am..."--Solange

    Every now and then I just have to give a shoutout to women I truly admire just for being so effortlessly and fabulously BIC. Regardless of what you think of Solange Knowles' talent, the girl has chutzpah and verve. She's electric to watch, even if just for her special brand of charisma. Where bigger and arguably more generally talented stars are poised, Solange has no use for convention or expectation. She's a magnanimous lyricist and while her voice is nothing to write home about, she sings with such soul, power, and blessed confidence that you simply must pay attention. She obviously enjoys making people eat crow and continues to climb, bit by bit, in the game. All while truly, in every sense, 'doing her'. And I love it. Soulbounce.com shares my sentiments and featured Solo's cover of Grammy Award-winning "Viva la Vida", a cover she probably could have left alone, but wouldn't be herself if she did. Enjoy it after the jump.

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    Daily DIC: Don't Put Your Hands On Me

    "baby you can yell/scream/blow off some steam/but don't put your hands on me..." --Keke Wyatt

    It's sad that I had two options for Daily DIC today and they both involved the senseless abuse of women. There was, of course, Chris Brown, whom if reports are correct left Rihanna with a bloody nose, a serious contusion, and bite marks. I can't even picture that going down, but apparently it did. Then, I log onto Feministing.com to discover that some jerkoffs in India kicked in the door of a local pub waving the four-four [not literally] and beat the daylights out of the women in the joint they felt were "drinking freely" and/or "exhibiting obscene behavior". WTF? Um, India, is that cool? And moreover, since I missed the opportunity last week to report on a man who stabbed his ex-girlfriend in an effort to cut out the breast implants he paid for, I'm prompted to ask a question: what's good? And where is the m%*&$*#@^!?@g love? Semi-rant after the jump.

    It's no secret that mama is on a man fast. I hate calling it a man fast because it's not really anything structured; it's just me taking a breather to catch my breath (was that redundant?). So, I don't want people to start thinking I'm down on men; I'm not. There are amazing men out there, just as there are great and not-so-great women. But honestly, no matter how much of a feminist you are and how much you herald equality between men and women, it's simple science to know that men are bigger and stronger and more muscular than women. So, I need to know why, in 2009, it seems to be becoming somewhat mainstream to attack women physically.

    I thought we took care of this years ago. It's not 1950, and no woman should be standing in the door hesitating over the question "do you want to press charges ma'am?" Does there need to be a refresher in our lesson that it's never, ever, ever okay to put your hands on a woman in any way? DIC or no, physical violence is totally unacceptable--beating, slapping, grabbing, pushing, pulling, choking, biting--all forbidden. Verbal abuse is more subjective, and poor treatment is not okay. But in the long run I do believe that most women are stronger than that. Standing for verbal abuse is something I can't relate to, although I know that both men and women alike fall victim to it. But actually using your hands, your fists, your body, your teeth to hurt a woman is some sick mess I just can't fathom. Whether a woman is drinking, being publicly obscene, cheating on you, calling you out of your name, getting smart with you, resisting having sex, didn't cook dinner, slapped your face, cut up your clothes, keyed your car, called your mama a ho and cussed you out--it's not okay for a man to put his hands on a woman. Maybe men need to relearn the art of walking away. Whatever it is, it needs to be done quickly, or handgun and grits sales are going to rise exponentially. Women are reactors and where there's DIC, there will eventually be BIC. And that's real.

    >>read more

    Daily OMG: Afro Chic

    "i can do for you what Martin did for the people..."--Beyonce Knowles

    We're pretty sure that no one could see coming down the pipeline the potential of Beyonce playing the indisputably most famous Black female 70's war/civil rights activist. That's a pretty serious role, and Beyonce is a pretty serious...entertainer. Not saying she can't handle it; just saying there might be better roles...for her. Beyonce better be careful: Etta is one thing, but Angela threatening to whoop ass is no joke. 

    >>read more

    Throwback BIC: Swagga Like Us

    "no one on the corner got a swagga like us..."--M.I.A.

    Grammys, February 8, 2009

    Although she was both criticized and hailed for her choice to perform on her due date at nine months pregnant, not only was the performance ridiculously hot, but M.I.A. is pretty badass. Jumping and waddling around the stage--intermittently dry humping the air, rubbing her belly, and waving her arms in tune with the music--she left plenty of anxiety in the audience as she stepped up and down the stairs and veered what appeared to be dangerously close to the edge of the stage for someone whose balance can't be at its best, but she thrilled with an amazing and electrifying presence. Her friends onstage with her weren't too bad, either. 

    >>read more

    Monday, February 9, 2009

    BIC Report

    "and the girls go crazy..."--R.Kelly

    In Next Logical Steps Headlines Of The Week, Jessica Simpson Broke Down Onstage [AP]

    Crazy Baby Lady Finally Speaks [HuffPost]

    Since It's Been Reported About A Hundred Times, Here It Is Again [SF Chronicle]

    In New News, Having Money and Power Is Apparently An Advantage [Gawker]

    She May Play Condi, But Who Is That Playing Pia Glenn's Eyebrows? [NY Daily]

    Drew Thought He Might Be More Into Her With A Tongue Ring [SF Gate]

    For The Sad Souls Who Covet Madonna's Body, Her Trainer Is Opening A Wildly Overpriced Gym In Manhattan [NYT

    Saudi Princess Says "I Was Hot Before The Law, Imagine What I'm Gon Do" [Daily Mail]

    Consider Yourself Blessed If All It Takes To Fix Your Relationship Is INS [HuffPost]

    >>read more

    Once Bitten, Twice Shy

    "when we started out/it was cool/it was everything that love's about/but something happened/and i'm feelin so burnt out..."--Letoya Luckett

    If this doesn't speak volumes, I don't know what does. Hillary, looking peaked and tired, goes to kiss her equally tired and peaked-looking spouse, thinks better of it, and turns to kiss her old nemesis/new boss instead. She looks quite pleased with her choice, wouldn't you say?

    >>read more

    Be Careful Where You're Swinging That BIC

    "no letting go/no holding back..."--Wayne Wonder

    I continue to understand and share the excitement about our new presidential family. However, there are two things wrong with this picture: number one, this reminds me of my urgent desire for Barack and Michelle to beef up security; and number two, this broad has got to have a better idea for meeting the President and First Lady than hanging halfway out of a 250 ft.-high skybox in the Kennedy Center. BIC

    >>read more

    BIC History Month: The Honorable Cynthia McKinney

    "so glad that i can see/the man can't put no thing on me..." --Curtis Mayfield

    Born in Atlanta, Georgia to a police officer father who later became a state congressman and a nurse mother, Cynthia McKinney was always special. She attended USC, earning a B.A. in International Relations and then an M.A. in Law and Diplomacy from Fletcher School of Law & Diplomacy. She entered political life as a state congresswoman alongside her father in the Georgia House of Representatives and promptly popped off a long history of public BIC that continues today. A list of Cynthia's top BIC moments after the jump.

    15. Entered the state congress and promptly began a public attack on the dress code for women legislators.

    14. Spoke out so passionately against the Gulf War that it caused many of her colleagues to walk out of the Congress.

    13. After the Georgia State Supreme Court ruled that her district was unconstitutionally gerrymandered and had her district redrawn, she went on a media tour to call them out in protest, comparing her plight to the Dred Scott verdict that legally declared slaves comparable to chattel.

    12. In sidebar DIC proving that her crazy came honestly, her father repeatedly referred to her 1996 Republican opponent as "a racist Jew". When asked about his comment by the New York Times, he responded, "A racist Jew; that's what he is, isn't he?

    11. In response to her father's antics, she "fired" him from her campaign. He was not employed by her campaign. Not to be outdone, Cynthia referred to supporters of her opponent as "holdovers from the Civil War days" and "a ragtag group of neo-Confederates". 

    10. Cynthia so adamantly refused to wear the mandatory congressional lapel pin necessary to get into congressional buildings that Capitol police were forced to pin a picture of her on the bulletin board so that all the officers would easily recognize her.

    9. During the 2000 presidential election, Cynthia put in print that "Al Gore's Negro tolerance has never been too high. I've never known him to have more than one Black person around him at any given time."

    8. In 2001, she publicly and unapologetically suggested that then-President George W. Bush had advance knowledge of the 9-11 attack on the US and profited from it.

    7. When a Saudi prince was rebuked for the suggestion that post 9/11 US should reevaluate policies concerning the Middle East and begin a more balanced approach to Israeli-Palestininan causes, McKinney wrote the prince a letter agreeing with him.

    7. She also used that same letter to request funds for Black American causes.

    6. McKinney hired The New Black Panther Party as her security during her 2002 reelection campaign.

    5. McKinney was then defeated by her 2002 opponent, widely considered a defeat due to her continued assertion that President Bush had prior knowledge of 9-11 and also because of her perceived anti-semitism, not helped by her father stating in a television interview that "Jews have bought everybody". He then accented his point by spelling "j-e-w-s" on air.

    4. One of her most publicly submitted bills in Congress has been the "MLK Records Act" calling for the unsealing of all records related to the death of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. The other was the "Tupac Shakur Records Act".

    3. During a Hurricane Katrina Congressional interview of the Department of Homeland Security secretary, she asked the secretary if he should be arrested for negligent homicide.

    2. In 2006, McKinney--wearing her hair natural after years in braids--wasn't recognized by Capitol police when entering her congressional offices, of course without her identifying congressional lapel pin. When she sidestepped the metal detectors in impatience and was chased by an officer requesting identification, she turned and struck him "with a closed fist", prompting him to press charges.

    1. When being interviewed after the punching incident, McKinney called her top aide "a fool" while still on mic, and promptly announced that anything she said "while not sitting" in her chair was off the record and not to be aired. All of her comments were subsequently aired.

    In 2008, Cynthia McKinney ran for President of the United States under the Green Party banner. Happy BIC History Month to a woman who is a shining testament to the power and impact of thorough, consistent, unapologetic BIC.

    >>read more

    Sunday, February 8, 2009

    Something Old Something New: When Old Broads Attack

    "an older version of me/is she perverted like me..."--Alanis Morrisette

    It's obviously the Age of the Fading Stars Lashing Out. First, Aretha attacks Beyonce. Now Etta James attacks Beyonce. Then, out of nowhere, Faye Dunaway creeps out of her cameo crypt to attack, of all people, Hilary Duff. It all looks so vicious of the old broads, and yet, Beyonce and yes, even Hilary Duff owe a debt of gratitude to these women regardless of their hater behavior towards them. Plus, in each instance, the old chick makes a great point. Utilizing The 48 Laws of Power, we can determine a winner in each of these instances. Let's explore...

    Aretha Vs. Beyonce

    Winner: Beyonce, Young Broad

    Law Utilized: Law #4: Always Say Less Than Necessary and Law #7: Get Others To Do The Work For You, But Always Take The Credit

    Aretha, seething because of a perceived slight of B's--introducing Tina Turner at the Grammys as "The Queen"--tossed a comment into the ring about the possibility of her having "stepped on the toes of" Sasha Fierce and accused her of a "cheap shot for controversy". Typically, this would be an easy win for Aretha at the hands of Law of Power #1: Never Outshine the Master. But, a) Beyonce has become a "master" in her own right--check Rhianna's rise, b) everyone's aware of Beyonce's overt and childlike obsession with Tina Turner, and c) Beyonce is notoriously non-confrontational. Mathew Knowles, Beyonce's father/manager/mouthpiece, released a response statement that made Aretha look absolutely ridiculous for what was only Beyonce's honor and respect of her personal idol. By remaining mum and letting her father do the speaking for her (as usual), Beyonce won this round hands-down against Re-Re.

    Etta Vs. Beyonce

    Winner: Etta, Old Broad

    Law Utilized: Law #9: Win Through Your Actions, Never Through Argument

    Many moons ago, when Beyonce was first cast to play young Etta James in Cadillac Records, Etta unapologetically voiced her veiled disapproval of the casting choice. And despite Beyonce's insinuations during her publicity blitz for the film that she and Etta have a great relationship, not-so-deep in her heart Etta is still a little salty about having her opinion so overlooked. So even though she skinned and grinned her way through the publicity for the film, it should surprise no one that out of the abundance of Etta's heart, her mouth spoke. Even in jest, it was a little over the top and very off-color: "You guys know your president, right? You know the one with the big ears? Wait a minute, he ain’t my president, he might be yours — he ain’t my president. But I tell you that woman [Beyonce] he had singing for him singing my song, she gon’ get her ass whipped. The great BeyoncĂ©...I can’t stand BeyoncĂ©. She had no business up there, singing up there on a big ol’ president day … gon’ be singing my song that I’ve been singing forever...". She even loosely tossed around the word "greedy" and went on to talk about her dislike for Beyonce's father. Now, it would be presumed that the pettiness of the comments and the apparent joking nature with which they were intended to be read would make Beyonce the automatic victor in this example. But as Etta's life demonstrates, she's a ballsy women that's long on the crazy and short on the pride. She also, after a lifetime of boozing, shooting up, smoking, and eating herself into valley after valley, doesn't have much to lose. So instead of continuing to harp on the fact that she didn't think Beyonce was the appropriate choice to play her character, she waited until emotions ran highest and went in for the kill in a way that truly made waves. Sure, she threw Barack under the bus in the process, but in Etta's mind it's truly c'est la vie. Beyonce's silence in the matter, largely due to her non-confrontational and poised-to-a-fault nature but just as much about her necessary deference to a woman she must always show the ultimate respect, speaks volumes. Etta trumps Beyonce naturally.

    Faye Vs. Hilary

    Winner: Faye, Old Broad

    Law Utilized: Law #39: Stir Up Waters To Catch Fish

    While famous, Hilary Duff can scarcely be called one of the great talents on her generation. So when Oscar-winner and acclaimed actress Faye Dunaway heard of Hilary's casting in the remake of the film of Faye's life, Bonnie and Clyde, she asked a very pertinent question: "couldn't they have at least cast a real actress?". Smarting from the blow, Hilary hopped into an E! interview and zinged a retort that not only belittled the work of one of the most popular actresses of her grandmother's generation, but mocked Faye's looks--with which no one can justly find fault other than the fact that she's concurrently melanin-deficient and nearly 70 years old. Unfortunately, in order to make herself feel better about being "slammed", Hilary made herself look more juvenile and even less like a real actress than ever. Good luck getting Faye to cameo or to convince her homeboy and former co-star Warren Beatty to join her. It wouldn't be a huge surprise if Hilary was mysteriously replaced in the lead role that could, if done well, give her adult career as an actor a monstrous boost. By the posing of a simple question, Faye was able to get Hilary to show just how truly unfit for grown-up Hollywood young Hilary is, and make her point with very little protestation at all.

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    Daily DIC: Can't Go For That

    "when the drama starts to hit the fan/raise your voice but not your hand..."--Keke Wyatt

    Back in the days of Comic View, there was an oft-repeated joke one of the comics told about Kenneth "Babyface" Edmonds: "he might have a baby face, but he got some grown ass teeth!". I found myself thinking about that joke tonight as I meditated on chipmunk cheek cutie pie Chris Brown, who despite his own little toddler grin pulled some very grown ass mess this weekend.
    Chris Brown, of the "Yo", "Run It", and "Take You Down" fame, left his fanbase and the country baffled by his inexplicable behavior in an apparent battery or assault of his girlfriend Rihanna. During an argument on the street in LA, Rihanna sustained "facial injuries" that left her unable to perform at the Grammy's tonight. There's absolutely no excuse for Chris causing Rihanna any type of injury, but the sidebar is that I absolutely cannot imagine what would have even provoked him to get to that point. I'm stunned and saddened for the irreparable damage this is going to do to his young and promising career. Domestic violence or female assault is awfully hard to bounce back from when 90% of your fanbase consists of women under 25.

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    Stress Will Kill You

    "i get so weak in the knees/i can hardly breathe..."--SWV

    Please excuse my extended absence this week, kids. Not only have I been traveling, but mama fell victim to an ulcer I curiously seem to have developed. Wonder how the heck that happened? However it came to be, I ended up in the ER unable to walk and barely able to breathe from abdominal pain a few mornings ago. See where crazy'll getcha if you let it? Take a deep breath, if it's possible. Words to the wise.

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