Saturday, January 31, 2009

A Vision In White

"she's just doin her thing..."--Willie Hutch

 Y'all know that I do not like to talk about God's folks, but some people bring these things on themselves. And this deserves a BIC spotlight if ever there's been a BIC spotlight. I think most know the sordid story of Juanity Bynum's marital woes, from her unsuccessful first marriage to her highly public second marriage to a Bible-thumping opportunist (which culminated in her strangulation and public assault, her leaked begging for them to work it out despite said assault, and now his upcoming reality television show searching for a new woman--think Flava of Love meets Sunday Best). After the tumultuous year Juanita's had, no one could begrudge her a birthday party. But I don't think anyone, not one of the attendees and the public, were prepared for what she cooked up to celebrate herself.

The upscale venue was auspicious enough, but that's to be expected from a woman who spent $1.2 million on her second wedding.

After getting her weave Diana Ross-ed out by her on-site stylist, Juanita stepped out to greet her guests in the name of the Lord. Only there was one major problem. Juanita's Three Faces of Eve behind was wearing her wedding dress--her second, over-bedazzled, notably hideous, wedding dress.

Among the activities following her entrance--a testimony and praise and worship, which apparently [and inexplicably] included a sword.

Guests were treated to a lengthy testimony and an eight-tier cake, complete with pictures of Juanita on it.

For her finale, Juanita changed into a "sexy" black Betsey Johnson meets J.Renee-esque number that might have gotten a semi-pass if it weren't for the tacky pictures of she and her parents on the fabric. What's also worth mentioning is the large "I Love You Baby" embroidered above her own portrait in the front center of the gown.

All of this was relayed rather seriously by Essence Magazine, whose staff I'm convinced was reporting this satirically. Although Black publications often lack a sense of humor appropriate for the community they serve , I refuse to believe that there's a Manhattan office full of Black women cosigning on Juanita's tomfoolery as though she's not absolutely bat-ish crazy.

No comments: