Friday, January 23, 2009

Throwback BIC: Ice Cream

"baby come lay your body right here/i wanna ride it/switch it up/turn it around/now come and get inside it..."--JS

The Top 5 Surefire Ways To Prematurely Ruin A Potentially Promising R&B Soul Career in 2003:

5. Instead of some version of the tried-and-true first single themes like "i've cried so many times", "pack your bags and get out", or "i think that i'm in love with you", feature lyrics like "you ain't never seen a vanilla tootsie roll 'til you taste my ice cream".

4. Find a way to visually associate small children diving face-first into bowls of ice cream with you singing about your "ice cream".

3. Make sure that you suck on a big, obnoxious, dark-colored lollipop so that everyone can begin to formulate ideas about how hard you had to grind to get put on.

2. To ensure that people have the least respect for you as an artist possible, be your own video ho.

1. Give the virtuous and completely fetish-free R. Kelly the reigns to your entire career. See #4.

Congratulations! You're now well on your way to superstardom and longevity in the music business, just like JS.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

So are you saying the Kelis shouldn't have done Milkshake? Lil Wayne shouldn't have left the lollipop alone? "Pour some sugar on me" shouldn't have been written?!!!

Ashleigh Marie said...

First off, Weezy is a dude...so that's a non-issue. Second, "Milkshake" (and "Lollipop" for that matter) were faaaar from first singles...they were after the artists were very well established as solid artists and not ppl leaning on sex appeal..not saying they can't release what they want as a debut, just saying don't expect to be in the game long if you do too much first time out!!