Saturday, January 3, 2009

Best of BIC 2008: Top 50 BIC Moments of This Year

"i've got a right to be wrong/i've got to sing my own song/i might be singing out of key/but it sure feels good to me..."--Joss Stone

Although I've never read of or conducted any official study, I'm willing to bet something dear to my heart that a female act of insanity is committed, on average, every 7 seconds. That means in the past year there were at the very least 4,505,142.88 BIC moments. As I have my own, um, issues to tend to, I don't have that kind of time. So I've chosen 50 jaw-droppers with which you're probably familiar. Enjoy the walk down memory lane as we officially begin life in 2009! Full list after the jump.

50. Sex and the City Fans: Sojourn to Mecca

I love SATC as much as the next girl--maybe more if I'm truly honest with myself--but I am so grateful that I possess the presence of mind (and sureness of self) not to have gathered up a caravan of my girls and hauled ass to New York City for the weekend of the premiere in May. While the movie was enjoyable, the fallout has revealed that Americans have ingested too much of yet another thing. Sadly, what was once smart, sexy, and chic has, in some corners of the country, evolved into a weird cultural obsession with dildos, the Meatpacking District, and a sad fixation with which fictional character one most identifies. It seems that many women have begun using SATC to fill the emptiness of the void created by their general inability to recognize their life in relation to their former hopes and dreams, or just being plain bored either way. I really don't think this was what the gay guys who gifted us with that fabulous series had in mind.

49. Khloe Kardashian: Above the Influence

Aside from being generally loud and obnoxious, Khloe Kardashian isn't incredibly interesting--unless she's mindlessly raging at a police officer who has the audacity to pull her over for driving completely blazed.

48. Kim Kardashian: Quick, Take A Picture

Unlike her sister, Kim Kardashian isn't ever incredibly interesting. But noting her introduction to the world via a rather hood sex tape followed by a succession of rather hood male suitors, her impending marriage to a top athlete, and her inexplicable public showcasing of a recent boudoir calendar created "specifically for her boyfriend", it's clear that she has a serious need for attention.

47. Erin Aubry Kaplan: Even White Boys Got To Shout

As a writer myself, I completely understand the essence of the craft. It is, above all, a plumbing of the subconscious and an analysis of one's own narcissistic view of the world. That's why I'm not suprised that Erin Aubry Kaplan, being a woman of physical substance herself, felt the obviously insatiable need to discuss our next First Lady's ass in vulgar detail in print.

46. Janet Jackson: Again
The undeniable talent of Janet Jackson makes it particularly sad that she chose to release yet another album. When an artist as wildly successful and popular as Janet puts out a third nail in the coffin, one must wonder: why? She obviously still has something to offer the marketplace; it's unfortunate that the marketplace, so far, doesn't agree. I think we'd all be good to have Janet tour her old albums for the next decade.

45. Courtenay Semel: Google Me Baby

She was just whistling along, drunk off her rocker like most other spoiled young socialites, when a Vegas security guard dared to point out the fact that she was belligerent. After smacking him, she screeched the words meant to humiliate him beyond reproach: "Do you even know who I am, f***in' idiot? Google me, you dumb **ck!" Actually, googling her probably wasn't the best advice she could offer, since on the rung of spoiled celebrity children she's quite close to the bottom. In fact, googling her at this point mostly brings up the lawsuit filed by the security for the assault.

44. Halle Berry: Case of the Ex

Halle's one of the original BICs, so pretty much her entire existence makes this list. The most recent evidence of her 2008 mania, however, is her solemn vow not to marry her daughter's incredibly gorgeous father because of the lames to which she was previously wed. C'mon, Halle...David Justice does not count.

43. Jennifer Lopez: Working Girl

Latinos have a reputation for having incredible work ethic, and their crowned queen is not only no exception, but a shining example. Just weeks after giving birth by caesarean section to twins [that look eerily identical to her eery-looking husband], the artist formerly known as J.Lo began rigorous and unnecessary training for her very first triathalon, which she completed just five months after the delivery. Directly after completing the triathalon in Malibu, she hopped a plane back to New York--with her children in tow--to throw her husband a birthday party that night...and I'm exhausted just thinking about it.

42. Alicia Keys: Clean Up Woman?

Having gone almost eight years in the public eye without any substantially negative rumors to her name, AK-47 apparently thought it was time for a change. Only I never expected someone of her depth to make her tabloid debut as an alleged homewrecker. Although I refuse to believe it until the minute I see an R.Kelly-esque vid of Swizz Beatz relieving himself on her as she chants "Mashonda ain't got nothin' on this" into the camera, it is definitely a lil crazy to have even fanned the flames on this one.

41. Mariah Carey: The Marrying Kind

Like Halle before her, Mariah has a laundry list of BIC events in her past. However, most would agree that the most recent was her sudden and shocking marriage to someone best described here as Christina Milian's ex-boyfriend. Even sillier was the lavish Caribbean wedding disguised as a video shoot. But one has to admit that they are cute. Although she seems completely blissful and they appear totally in love, one can only pray that the BIC didn't totally cloud judgment and preclude a pre-nup draft. And you know why....

40. Dina Lohan: Mommy Dearest

There has never been a White Oprah. There will probably never be a White Oprah...but if there was, it certainly wouldn't be Dina Lohan. The former Radio City Rockette (although the validity of that longtime claim has also come into question this year)and poor excuse for a momager--who proudly accepted the Long Island Mother of the Year Award from an organization who actually voted to give it to her--claims that her daughter's friends call her "The White Oprah" because they can bring all their problems to her. Actually, it would be far more appropriate if they called her "The White Puchi Lavoe" since it's largely her enabling of her daughter Lindsay's drink-and-drug antics that have marred her otherwise successful career. And maybe they should call her "The White Harriet Tubman" since I'm willing to bet she's helped her daughter and the friends escape the long arm of the law to the promised land of narcotics.

39. Ciara: Baring Her Soul

Everybody was slightly taken aback to see young Ciara all grown up and au natural on the cover of the October Vibe--but none, Ciara claims, were more suprised than she. Although Editor-in-Chief Danyel Smith insists that Ciara was shot buckit naked and that it was her idea, Ciara claims that she "wasn't nude" and that when she saw the pictures "everything was gone". That's all she says, which is pretty ambiguous. I'm taking "everything" to mean some skimpy panties, the spaghetti hip band to which was probably airbrushed out. She certainly wasn't rocking a dress or anything substantial. We've all the had the hot ideas that turned out not to be so hot, but it's not the best idea in the world to throw the hottest hip-hop magazine under the bus in the process of voicing your dissatisfaction.

38. Tracey Edmonds: Band of Gold

Although Babyface clearly gets a pass, no one's lining up to give him any "Most Hetero" superlatives. So it was always a bit odd that about two minutes after her divorce, Tracey was swanning about LA with Eddie Murphy, whose pass is not so clear. Not to mention he had just done the unthinkable to his ex-girlfriend Mel B. All this considered, the public collectively decided to take their relationship seriously. So imagine our surprise when they broke up two weeks after their January Bora Bora wedding. Imagine more surprise when we find out the wedding wasn't even legal. I'm not sure where the idea came from or how it ended, but the whole thing smacks of BIC--and that goes for both parties.

37. Beyonce Knowles Carter/Sasha Fierce: Don't Blame Me, Blame Sasha
I'm troubled by the fact that the alter ego has been given a last name. I'm more troubled that the last name is "Fierce", which sounds like Tyra Banks and her ever-growing gang of trannies won a naming contest.

36. Raven Symone: Y'all Gon Make Me Act A Fool

Raven appears to have had just about enough of the slick talk behind her back, although many times--and many outfits--you can't tell that she cares a thing about public opinion. But everyone has feelings, and after years of being a punching bag for...whomever she feels she's a punching bag for, she decided to get some things off her chest by posting a wild-eyed rant on her MySpace blog. Highlights include "NOW IF ANYONE KNOWS MY FAMILY, ALL OF THE WOMEN EXCEPT FOR A FEW, STRUGGLE WITH KEEPING WHAT IS A SOCIALLY EXCEPT-ABLE WEIGHT. WHEN I STRESS I GAIN, WHEN IM HAPPY WHO KNOWS… I HAD A LOT OF PERSON THINGS HAPPEN TO ME AT THE END OF THE SHOW, DEALING WITH FAMILY, AND MY EX-BOYFRIEND CHEATED ON ME AND I HAD TO BREAK UP WITH HIM (LISTEN TO LOVE ME OR LEAVE ME, AND SECRETS)" and "I AM NOT NOW AND WAS NEVER ENGAGED, OR IN A LOVE TRIANGLE WITH ANYONE IN THE INDUSTRY. YES I HAVE DATED PLENTY OF PEOPLE, IM NOT A NEWT, HOWEVER, I NEVER TELL", and the golden nugget of a conclusion "AND THEN PEOPLE WONDER WHY I HAVE NO FRIENDS…… AAAAAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH". Of all that was said, I was most preoccupied with her assumption that anyone over the age of eight already owned or was willing to listen to her album.

35. Britney Spears: Britney Spears

Need I say more?

34. Miss Rap Supreme: Respect Me 

The entire premise of Miss Rap Supreme, including the name, was just. not. right. But there was one standout in the crowd, and although she didn't win, she most certainly deserves a shoutout here if nowhere else in the world. Khia, who became a hood star some years ago off of "My Neck, My Back", which boasts the proud distinction of being the only song in history to have a chorus including the unique phrasing "my pussy and my crack". Well, Ms. Crack didn't disappoint and put her lunacy on display for all on her Youtube channel, Thug Misses Live Blog. Please watch it all. It will be the most breathlessly hilarious 5 minutes and 31 seconds you've had in a very long time.

33. Maria Shriver: You Don't Own Me

Maria doesn't look like the type to back down from a fight, and she proved it when she sashayed onto a stage to stump for Barack Obama in June with longtime best friend Oprah Winfrey and her cousin Caroline. Yes, Maria is a Kennedy, but more immediately she's the First Lady of California...and married to a Republican governor. Although her own party affiliation is no state or national secret, it was downright ballsy to throw her weight around on behalf of a candidate her husband was actively campaigning against.

32. Tina Knowles: Flashing Lights

While nothing in the "Miss Tina Collection", Tina's new "spicy, creole-inspired" line that caters to women sizes 2-24 is quite as bad as you would expect it to be, I'm still struggling to figure out exactly what makes the clothes creole. Or spicy. And unfortunately, it must be said that I still have not located the "dash of couture".

31. Zoe Kravitz: Splitting Hairs

30. Michelle Bachmann: The Right Stuff

Being a Republican doesn't automatically make you insane, but it certainly opens an investigation. And I knew instinctively when Rep. Bachmann (R-MN) made the outrageous comments that Barack Obama was anti-American and insinuated that all liberals are, as well, that she was a little 'off'. During the course of my research on said congressional representative, I discovered that Ms. Bachmann nearly ripped President Bush's suit off on the Senate floor (pictured left) after his '07 State of the Union, declared that Americans are all gung-ho for the 2+ job lifestyle, and called global warming "voodoo, nonsense, hokum, a hoax". Give it up for the GOP Vagina Monologues! They never disappoint.
29. Bust It Baby Auditions: Chickenheads

Lil Wayne's sex symbol status has apparently encouraged every creton-looking individual who can string words together to hop in the game, for there's surely guaranteed rewards. It never ceases to amaze me how many women will line up for a man that most of the free world would agree is undesirable if he has some measure of fame. Plies' "Bust It Baby" reality show casting was no exception, and it revealed a seedy world where women voluntarily open their mouths to demonstrate their ability to deep throat, easily drop their pants to make it bounce, and make such shocking declarations as "if I get to go on date with Plies, there is nothing that I won't do. There's nothing he can ask me to do that I won't do." Please don't take my word for it:

28. Victoria Osteen: The Battle Is The Lord's

You should already know that following the Lord isn't always easy, and I  know when I'm a prime example of the fact that we are not always the people that God has called us to be. Yet even I have managed to get this far in life without assaulting a flight attendant over liquid on my first-class seat. Let's start with the fact that I don't typically sit in a first-class seat. But Victoria Osteen, wife of Houston megachurch pastor Joel Osteen, certainly does, and she somehow landed herself in civil court fighting a flight attendant's claim of "emotional distress". Although the case was pretty much extortion, there's little doubt that Victoria was indeed provoked to go off on the flight attendant--with her husband and children in tow--which in and of itself qualifies her for a prime spot on this roster.

27. Tyra Banks: Can't Stop, Won't Stop

I know that I'm hard on Tyra, and I'll try not to beat a dead horse, but it's truly ridiculous that her daytime program is still on television. I know she has her following because, let's face it, everything has a following, but I doubt there would be many protests if her show just suddenly disappeared. I think everyone would be content just to watch America's Next Top Model, which gives Tyra far less time to do that 'Tyra Thing' that makes her show so unbearable.

26. Ashley Dupre: Danke Shoen

Most of the public quietly thinks of the vast majority of pop singers as hoes, but it's rare that they actually reveal themselves to be a whore in the most conventional sense. But that's exactly what Ashley Alexandra Dupre (her ho/artist name, since her actual moniker is Ashley Youmans), a 23 year-old aspiring pop star and professional call girl to the married governor of New York turned out to be, traditionally opting to formally exchange sex for cash with the most powerful man in NY state government. Ashley then went on to try to parlay her newfound fame as a master of sexual favors into good publicity for her music career. Hey, much crazier things have happened.

25. Ellen Barkin: Hit Em Up Style

In a year when so many divorces went awry, Ellen Barkin tossed her hat into the ring with a prominently publicized Christie's auction of over 100 pieces (and $20 million worth) of jewelry gifted her during her marriage to cosmetics billionaire Ron Perelman. Ellen is old-school, so she's probably still reading from the "don't get mad, get everything" playbook. Kudos for the BIC that raised $20 million, and for the sleepless night the thought surely brought her ex.

24. Amy Winehouse: Crack Music

I went back and forth on whether this chick was too disgusting to discuss, and decided that she just makes the cut since she's obviously insane. Amy had one of the most successful albums of 2007 and won a Grammy to boot, and yet she is on crack. Not coke. Crack, real crack, and anything else she can get her hands on. I would like to suggest that she put in a call to Whitney for a reminder that crack is wack, but it would really suck for the desired effect to be diluted and Whitney to end up basing with Amy instead.

23. Star Jones: You Oughta Know

Star's BIC has lead her down a long, hard road peppered with passive-aggression towards aging network anchors and divorce from Johnathan Plummer, otherwise known as Al Reynolds. But things are looking up since Star redirected her energy and starting attacking with a bigger picture in mind. After Bill O'Reilly's ill-chosen "lynching party" outburst concerning Michelle Obama's "anti-American" statements, Star crafted a well-worded letter to O'Reilly that euphemistically but firmly said--in a polite way--"ho, sit down".

22. The View on Election 2008: Girlfight

Everyone loves a catfight! From Michelle Obama's appearance in April clear up until November 5th, The View made waves in the MSM and raised their ratings to record peaks with their on-air arguments and outbursts. While everyone had their moments (Whoopi's pontificating sometimes left the impression that she'd smoked a bowl before the broadcast), Elizabeth Hasselbeck stood out for her inability to contain her incredulity and rage concerning any small measure of success the Left achieved during the elections. While she managed to make it through toothy interviews with both Michelle and Barack Obama, her appearance at the Republican convention brought out her vicious sorority girl fangs as she insinuated that Michelle Obama had "something to hide" in an effort to fan the flames of innuendo surrounding Barack's candidacy. Though far less excitable, Joy Behar reveled in her ability to constantly attack the Republicans in a seemingly endless ten month diatribe that came to a shocking head when she all but flipped John McCain the bird when he and his wife came onto the show in October. Then, during an interview on Larry King, which was presumably to publicize a comedy show in which she was featured, she railed on McCain and the Repubs endlessly. Sherry, the show's "swing voter", committed the very Sherry-like offense of misprouncing Malia Obama's name when Michelle was on the show--as she gazed at the would-be First Lady and all but asked if she could brush her hair. Similarly, during Barack's appearance, Sherry grinned and skinned her way through the interview, all but sitting in his lap. And as she tearily announced that she had voted for Barack the day following the elections, Barbara, who is usually quite annoying, asked the very applicable question: "And why were you undecided until the last minute?"

21. Solange Knowles: I'm Real

Solange is basically everything her sister isn't. Beyonce is vexingly poised, malleable, and hermetic. Solange is free-spirited, cantankerous, and transparent.   From her teenage pregnancy/marriage to her divorce to her constant working of the Houston club circuit, there was a lot of speculation about the fact that Solange was a wild child. Well, 2008 was Solange's year to officially step into the spotlight with an LP that people were actually checking for, and she did not disappoint as she revealed her complete inability to adhere to any type of media training or etiquette. First up was the Grammy's where she mean-mugged Rihanna as the Caribbean pop princess pushed past Solo and B. to pull her boss onstage to accept an award. When Rihanna went to grab Jay-Z's hand as Beyonce clapped politely with a plastic grin on her face, Solange slouched into a "oh no she didn't" stance and gave Rihanna a look that, to all women watching, clearly said "Bitch!!!??" Proving this was not just a flash in the pan, Solange then read a Vegas news anchor her rights at the very *beginning* of an interview--as in just after saying "good morning"--over something that Solange had heard the crew discussing prior to the broadcast. When she was corrected by the producer and informed that what the anchor and the producer were discussing hadn't been on camera, the anchor tried to move on by saying "we apologize, and we're glad that you're with us this morning", to which Solo responded "mmm-kay" as she tossed her arm over her chair and slouched into a skeptical stance. The mixtape track that didn't make her album? "Fuck the Industry".

20. Tocarra: No Sugarcooking

19. Katherine Heigl: Woman Bites Off Nose To Spite Face

We should have been clued in by her previous behavior: walking onstage to accept an Emmy and saying "my mother told me I didn't have a shot in hell of winning tonight" and talking serious smack about the biggest film of her career last year. Even though she's been working since the 80's, Katherine Heigl didn't gain any real fame until her role on Grey's Anatomy came in 2005. Which makes it quite BIC that [even though her film career has taken off exponentially] she would bring negative attention to the program by withdrawing her name from Emmy consideration this year because she felt the writers didn't do her character, Izzy, any justice or favors. But she may get a shot at the primetime big time again: in other BIC news, there are reports that show creator Shonda Rimes is now writing in a fatal brain tumor for Izzy.

18. Cindy McCain: Now Available In Defeated

Because there's so little that distinguishes Mrs. McCain from a porcelain ashtray, she's not necessarily what you would consider a traditional BIC. But she certainly showed her propensity when, in the middle of a vast economic crisis, she swept into the Republican convention like Marie Antoinette, wearing hundreds of thousands dollar outfit after hundreds of thousands dollar outfit...all while calling Barack and Michelle Obama "elitist" with a straight face, which was coincidentally only one of two choices of facial expression for her.

17. Kim Zolciak: Me Against The Music

It takes a few choice things to be a music superstar: the look, the drive, and most importantly, the sound. Kim Zolciak has one out of three, and even that is subjective. A "kept" woman who somehow snuck herself onto The Real Housewives of Atlanta, which featured four actual wives and her, Kim smokes a pack a day and shuns vocal training. So as not to have her road to fame sideswept by little things like tone or pitch, Kim had her millionaire man hook her up directly with megaproducer Dallas Austin to record a song. Unfortunately, she proved herself completely tone-deaf, which prompted Dallas to post a disclaimer on his MySpace page saying that he was never working with her and that it had been for television only. Not to be deterred by the fact that millions of people know that she can't hold a note, Kim is pressing forward with her country singing ambitions, even putting up an extensive website featuring music...by Nickelback.

16. Angel Lola Luv: DC's Finest

Like Melyssa Ford and Superhead before her, Angel Lola Luv is not content to be just another video chick. She has a lot of 2-for-1 T&A silicone installments left to pay, so she keeps herself busy with many various projects. A current project is her dramatic takeover of the hip-hop world via this dynamite track and video (which also resourcefully doubled as a birthday party for Ms. Luv):

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15. Fran Drescher: She Had Style, She Had Flair, She Was There And So She Became...A United States Senator

I think we all did a doubletake when The Nanny announced that she wanted to be a senator. Considering that her last notable job was on Entourage, it's not clear why New Yorkers shouldn't be terrified that a sitcom star with no public service experience outside of charity work wants the authority to vote on behalf of 20 million people. Should she be appointed--not entirely likely since she's up against another Entitlement BIC offender--congressional hearings will never sound the same.

14. Patti Blagojevich: How Bout Those Cubs

Aside from the fact that she married a man with Dennis the Menace's hairstyle, Patti Blagojevich seems pretty unassuming. In the wake of the unveiling of her husband's crookery, one would expect an Illinois Silda Spitzer, a woman standing beside her disgraced husband trying to hold her head high as he offers his mea culpas to the constituency that voted him into office. But Patti Blagojevich can't hold her head high...mostly because she's widely understood to be a co-conspirator. This would be just an allegation had she not been heard on phone calls screaming expletives in the background as she egged her husband to do the least honorable thing for the maximum payout. There's something Shakespearean here, but it's hard to discern with all the dirty talk. Even Lady Macbeth didn't drop the f-bomb.

13. Jennifer Aniston: Didn't Mean To Turn You On

The absolute best way to publicize your new film, get people to stop having pity parties for you, boost your self-esteem, and make your disgustingly happily married ex-husband and his perpetually pregnant glamazon wifey do a doubletake is to pose fabulously butt naked on the cover of the world's most popular men's magazine. Can't knock the hustle...or the game.

12. Tina Fey: I Can See Russia From My House

Tina Fey was raised in a staunchly Republican household in a staunchly Republican neighborhood. And although she endorsed Hillary in the Democratic primaries, who knows what her actual party affiliation is? It would be classically Tina if she were a Republican, since she crassly and brilliantly rode the back of the Republican VP nominee straight to the top. Creator and head writer for sorely overlooked 30 Rock, Tina desperately needed more viewers for her would-be hit to stay on the air. Enter Sarah Palin, a walking joke book with a slight resemblance to Tina. Imitating Palin gave Tina's career new life as she became increasingly interesting to the public and not just the industry. Post-election, Palin's gone but 30 Rock's ratings are still riding pretty high.

11. Whitney Houston: May-December Best Months For Romance?

We now know where broken hearts go: they apparently make a beeline to the nearest freaky R&B sex addict. Odd; it seems like it took forever to get Whitney off the pipe. Now she's letting Ray J lay it, which no one can definitively say is better or worse.

10. Lindsay Lohan: Poor Unfortunate Soul

After a succession of men that spiraled into unnecessary desperation, Lindsay decided to try something different. She insists that she is not gay, she just "fell in love". With someone who is gay.

9. LisaRaye Misick: Can't Go For That

Returning home to find that the very young host of a BET music countdown show has been swanning around your palatial mansion with your husband must be infuriating. Even moreso when you're locked out of said palatial mansion with no recourse. That's why I'm positive that although First Lady Misick did suffer some physical abuse at the hands of her philandering spouse, she threw the first punch. This is Diamond we're talking about here, after all. Although personally, I would have taken LisaRaye for the grits-throwing type.

8. Superhead: Here She Comes Again

One would think that after writing a tell all about your entertainment industry whoring in which you acknowledge the error of your ways one would be on the path to living a better life. One would be wrong, apparently, because the woman so valiantly known as Superhead had to have more material for a second book. She would also need to keep herself in the news by calling the press about her domestic violence situation with the man that you would only know as Eddie Winslow. She would also need to keep herself in the news by claiming to have been impregnated by a rapper half her age, who admits he smashed but denies the possibility of fathering a child with her, as most men would. She's already the mother of a ten year-old son, whose chances of finding a woman he can trust fifteen years from now are hovering somewhere around zero.

7. Elizabeth Edwards: E is for Enabler

Did she really think no one was ever going to find out? Did they really think that it would go uncovered? Women are supposed to be the voice of reason in relationships, so what the hell was she doing? For days after John hid himself in a hotel bathroom trying to wait out the paparazzi who had caught him visiting his mistress [and probably, his child], I was haunted by the thought that he was a serious contender for the Democratic nominee at one point. Elizabeth Edwards knew better, even if her narcissistic, ego-maniacal husband didn't. It would be one thing if she simply allowed him to run, but she put in a lot of work to help, knowing what he had done. Maybe she was consumed with guilt over having cancer, maybe she was feeling like a burden, maybe she felt if John, by some miracle, became POTUS then he would take her impending death better. Whatever led her to the conclusion that it was a good idea for him to run, it was BIC. And wrong.

6. Tricia Walsh-Smith: HelpTWS@hotmail.com

This woman has the distinction of having been a previous Daily OMG. And OMG she remains. She is continuing her rampage towards justice "for all women", because somehow we all win when she overrides the pre-nup her husband is trying to enforce and settles for millions.

For maximum enjoyment, begin watching at 4:45:

5. Barbara Walters: You Sexy Thing

No wonder BarbaraWaWa hot-flashed all over The View's stage when Barack Obama came on the show for the first time, even interrupting serious conversation to tell him that they all think he "look[s] very sexy". She was probably reliving the days when she used to date a young Black senator, a tidbit that she chose to disclose in her memoirs this year. At a time when she should be getting lifetime achievement awards and being celebrated for breaking down barriers, she allowed the media to pick up on the most salacious part of her personal history, when she was allowing Senator Edward Brooke to break down her barriers back in the 70's. She also wrote about Star Jones gastric bypass surgery, which prompted Star to release yet another statement: “It is a sad day when an icon like Barbara Walters, in the sunset of her life, is reduced to publicly branding herself as an adulterer, humiliating an innocent family with accounts of her illicit affair and speaking negatively against me all for the sake of selling a book. It speaks to her true character.” Boy, that Star has a way with words.

4. Aretha Franklin: Ain't Nothin Like The Real Thing

Sasha Fierce may be a tough girl onstage, but everyone knows that nobody--least of all Beyonce--wants it with Aretha, whose left breast weighs more than most 18 year old women. Aretha may be a lot of things, but she is first and foremost "The Queen", which Beyonce forgot at this year's Grammy's as she introduced her personal idol, Tina Turner, with whom she performed a duet. Most agreed that the performance was good--everyone but Aretha, who could only focus on the fact that Beyonce had jacked her title and given it to longtime rival Anna Mae Bullock. And while Aretha's first statement on the subject finished with "love to Beyonce anyway", when pressed to comment on Mrs. Knowles-Carter a week later by a reporter, she responded "who?"

3. Hillary Clinton: 18 Million Cracks

"Tears" in New Hampshire. Keeping name on ballot in Michigan. "We would be able to totally obliterate them." Pressing for delegates in Florida. Replacing the Latina with the Black chick. "Change you can Xerox." Vodka shots in Pennsylvania. "Yes we WILL, yes we WILL, yes we WILL..." Referencing Saturday Night Live during a debate. "...White Americans...". Sniper fire. "We all remember Bobby Kennedy was assassinated in June in California." Beer and dancing in Puerto Rico. Listening to Mark Penn. Never the same pantsuit twice. Not putting a muzzle on Bill. Retaining delegates after concession. A tiiiny crush on Barack...you know you thought it, too.

2. Sarah Palin: Also...

Bristol. Levi. Levi's mom. Todd. Trooper. "I'll try to find you some and I'll bring them to you." Bridge to Nowhere. "As Putin rears his head and comes into the air space of the United States of America, where– where do they go? It's Alaska. It's just right over the border." "They are also building schools for the Afghan children so that there is hope and opportunity in our neighboring country of Afghanistan." Fake Sarkozy. "That's exactly what we're going to do in a Palin and McCain administration." "As for that VP talk all the time, I'll tell you, I still can't answer that question until somebody answers for me what is it exactly that the VP does every day?"

1. Thomas Beatie: Dude Looks Like a Lady

Pop quiz: human beings born with a uterus are a) men or b) women. Is "b" your final answer? Or do you need a lifeline?

It's disingenuous, then, to allow yourself to be branded and marketed on multiple late night news programs, Us Weekly, and Oprah as a "pregnant man." With all due respect, Tomkins, you are a woman. A woman with Gender Identity Syndrome, yes; a woman with a wife, yes, a woman who would rather be a man, yes; but the fact that you are, in fact, a woman is quite prominently tattooed across your pregnant belly, which covers your swollen uterus. Listen, it's cool to be comfortable with who you are, and I applaud you for taking control of your life in a way that shuns popular opinion and others' moral codes. But there's no miracle here. You're a chick--a lesbian, clearly--who gave birth earlier this year and is now expecting again. And there ain't nothin' special about that at all, except the fact that you're a pregnant, bearded lady who used to compete in beauty pageants in Hawaii, way back when your name was Tracy. Now you're all "look at me; I'm pregnant!" Well, so are most NBA players' girlfriends and half the high school girls in Wasilla. Move on folks; the show is over. There's nothing to see.

2 comments:

tracy said...

Brilliant list - perfect insight. I have a new favorite blog & it's nice to know I'm not alone in my occasional bic-ness.

AshleighMarie said...

thanks tracy!!