Monday, December 29, 2008

Stop It Please 2009

"gotta get somethin off my chest..."--Destiny's Child

Time for our Annual Top Ten list of things that have got to go in the coming year. As always, I'm sure you will agree.

10. Black Celebrity Women Marrying Gay Men Like It's Okay

Ladies, you are setting a horrible example. Here we are, dropping like flies from HIV, and you're steady having big lavish weddings with blatant homosexuals. Meanwhile, you're acting like your life is a Harlequin romance novel. The charade ends here. I understand wanting a metrosexual. It's perfectly normal to desire someone who likes to shop, drink red wine and trim his pubic hair. But it's not okay if he has had, is having, or could possibly indulge in sex with a man. Note: saying that you've "discussed" his past and you're okay with whoever he used to be does not fly. If a man has sexual urges for another man, please want better for yourself.

9. Sarah Palin

Okay, enough. Are we really going to be forced to take this woman seriously clear until the 2012 Republican primaries? It should be unrealistic that a woman who so flagrantly uses the word "also" to gather ultimately intellectually incurious thoughts should be allowed within fifty feet of the White House after the debacle that was President Bush. The thought of she and her brood of hillbillies leading the country should frighten the mess out of every American. The thought of her winking at America while screwing up our entire legal system and international image is terrifying. Her own running mate wouldn't even vote for her! But then again, if America was ever dumb enough to go for that one, then we would actually deserve her.

8. Tyra Banks Daytime Antics

For the second year in a row, I'm going to ask: Tyra, please shut your daytime operation down. We're all big ANTM fans. We all love your entreprenuerial spirit and admire the inroads you've made. But it must be said: your show sucks. Once again, though you're obviously a very bright woman, your show completely belies your intelligence. You alternate between sounding like a kindergarten teacher and a hoodrat and thus, your unabashed Oprah-biting is all in vain. We're all embarrassed--for ourselves and you, as well. Do what you know in your heart is right.

7. R. Kelly

The man is a genius; no one is arguing against that. He's a beast with a melody, the King of the Remix and innovative as hell. He's also a certifiably insane sex addict with just a dash of pedophilia. It's cool to ride out to his music and no one can ever erase the memories we have with oldies-but-goodies like "Bump & Grind" or "12 Play". I, for one, am the original R. Kelly fan. Everyone remembers Public Announcement: classic. But after the man peed on a child before having anal sex with her, we should have all recoiled just a bit. But oh, no. Not the Black community. We stuck by OJ and by and large, we appear to have decided to ride this out with Kels. After he was acquitted earlier this year, Black women everywhere took to the Internet to not only proclaim their newfound faith in our justice system but to rail against the *child* who R effectively pissed on. It got so hot that NPR and Newsweek decided to write about it. Unacceptable.

6. Michael Jackson

I don't want to ever see another picture or hear another thing about present-day Michael Jackson. The man is terrifying to look at and even scarier to think about. The MJ we adore is the "Billie Jean", "Thriller", hell, even "Butterflies" MJ, the MJ of Neverland with the monkeys. I think the ranch menagerie was about as far as the collective public was willing to take it--dangling babies, walking around with half a nose...these are things that are just heartbreaking to watch. He will always be a genius, and it's obvious that he will always have "it" to some degree, we have to be honest about the visual, not to mention the concept of him. I think we all have to agree that the wind done blown.

5. Complaining About the Economy

I'm begging everyone to fight the urge to blame everything on the economy. If I hear one more declaration about who's not buying what, what stores are closing, or how close to street urchin we all are, I will die. Roll this around: things always come back around, and more importantly, if you have the right ideals and put God first, then the economy isn't even your source--so don't sweat it. Some good advice, also: "be fearful when others are greedy, and greedy when others are fearful". Warren Buffet--'nuff said.

4. Treating President Obama Like a Rock Star

Believe me, I have to practice what I preach here. But we have to stop treating this man with a very serious job like Us Weekly fodder. He has enough to handle running the country; I really don't want paparazzi to be on his list of concerns. Plus, as much as we all want to watch he and Michelle swan and Malia and Sasha grow up, we need to respect that they're a regular family that's been thrust really quickly into the spotlight and deserves to retain some semblance of privacy.

3. Milking Sex and the City

SATC was good. It was really good. I was obsessed with the show, and the movie was fabulous. But now we're starting to seem a little desperate. Actually, really desperate. Can't anyone else in Hollywood come up with another great HBO show for women to latch onto?

2. Transexuality

I have no problems with the way people want to live their lives--wanna be a woman when you weren't born one? Fine! Just dying to pee standing up when you were born to sit down? Just as well. But let's draw the line at a nation going ga-ga over a "pregnant man" who is clearly. not. a. man. Here's the long and short of it: only women get pregnant. Some facial hair, a sock down your pants and a wife doesn't override the uterus, ovaries and vajayjay with which you entered the world. So, guess what Thomas Beatie? You're a chick, evidenced by the second baby gestating in your womb. Now, it's possible that I'm just a "very tolerant, very rational-sounding sort of bigot", but while I have no problem with various racial, ethnic, cultural and professional identifications in our beautiful melting pot society, I do have a problem with confusing and complicating sexual identification. I don't care what sexual preference someone has at all. Front, back, side,'s your choice where you put it and I have no judgment. But I do care what people call themselves. Calling yourself a man while you're four centimeters dilated is ridiculous and even more annoying are those who chose to completely refuse gender "labels". You're either a man or you're a woman; choose one and stick with it. Life is too short to spend time struggling to decide which pronoun to assign people when there are two hard options that are easily distinguishable from one another.

1. Not Subscribing to BIC

Last time, folks: y'all are still just stopping by every day and not getting a subscription. Please don't be eternally engaged to my site. It's easy to just enter your email addy into the box towards the top of the right sidebar and make the relationship official. I'm counting on you!

Happy New Year!!!!

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