Monday, December 22, 2008

Here's 25 Cents...

"it ain't none of your friends' business/ain't none of your friends' business..." --Ginuwine

No. I'm sorry, but not again. We really don't want to talk about your weight.

Oprah, please do not subject us to this again. You have been on this rollercoaster weight train since 1986. Because most women understand the struggle with body image, weight and maintaining our general health, we've been grateful over the years for your empathy and advice. We applauded when you slid your hips into those size-10 Calvins and dragged that tub of lard onto the camera after that murderous liquid protein diet. We were proud of you each time you carted yourself off to Canyon Ranch (aka Wealthy Folks Fat Camp) for a quick drop-down-and-get-fine session. We cheered when you found Bob Greene and started running marathons with your midriff exposed. We followed you through Pilates, not eating after 8 PM, and Cooking With Rosie. We're exhausted.

Here's the thing, O. Over the past 20 some-odd years that you've been on this...um, gravy train, you've amassed a fortune of over $3 billion. You owe a lot of that wealth to us, because we love you. We love your shows, your specials, your movies, the book clubs, many of the spiritual odysseys you take everyone on, the whole thing. We love that you have a great heart and do great things. We have followed you for over two decades not because we thought you were fine, but because we loved you for who you are and what you brought to our lives. We do expect you to be healthy, because you're worth $3 billion, and, well, it wouldn't make much sense if you weren't. But we're all aware that you're no supermodel and no one expects you to be.

Here's the other thing, O. We're not blind. You didn't have to do the whole comparison photo display and announcement of exactly how many pounds you're currently packing--it's pretty clear that you haven't missed many meals since the last time you hopped onto your magazine cover in exercise clothes. We were more than okay with that. Evidenced by the millions of folks still buying your magazine. Evidenced by the millions of people who turned out in all-weather conditions to see you campaign in the presidential election in the past year, by the millions who tune into your show every single day.

What made you do this, again? Not gain the weight, but publicize it. You can't possibly think that the world is all that interested in your weight loss escapades and travails at this juncture. Sure, plenty of people will watch, but not because we want to talk about how much fat you're carting around; it's because we enjoy watching you. I don't think you need to try another diet, Oprah. You're a brilliant woman who knows how to maintain a healthy weight. There's not too much new weight-loss knowledge that you could stand to gain, and even more importantly, impart. You've seen it all. And we've seen it all.

You haven't spent the past year eating every meal in front of the camera. You gained that weight in private. Do us all a favor and lose it in private, as well. We really don't have to talk about it, this time.

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