Monday, May 19, 2008

The Upside of Anger

"when your mrs. right is always mrs. wrong..."--Musiq

We spend an inordinate amount of time talking about the "bad" guys and the "types" to avoid. We've all gotten those email chain forwards going on and on about Mr. No Commitment, Mr. Lying Scumbag, Mr. Unsure About His Sexuality....it's all so 2007! You know I'm an eternal optimist, and as such, I've decided to pick out some pluses to what we normally consider to be red flags to run.

I'm basing these gentleman on men that I've known and would run five miles without stopping to avoid getting into a relationship with. However, I understand that sometimes it gets real and you just need someone there. So if you don't mind ending up like Zoe Kravitz in the "I Know" video...then I'll give you the reasons you're looking for to proceed with the dead-end relationship you're craving.

Types You'd Normally Avoid But May Now Give A Chance

Mr. Constantly Engaged

Many women ask "what's wrong with a man who's been engaged four or five times and never married?" Well, my dear, this is what's called a serial monogamist. He probably falls in love as often as you ovulate and doesn't like the bed-hopping lifestyle. Thus, he'd rather ruin one woman's life at a time. Now, typically this would be a negative, but one thing is crystal clear: the man is fully capable of [some type] of commitment. Be careful how you pray.

Mr. Talks About His Ex Constantly

Society drills into us how jealous and catty women can be. We secretly all hate each other and begrudge one another happiness. Crazy talk! This world is all about divide and conquer, and the lines are clearly drawn us against them. If you happen upon a perfectly good man who waxes rhapsodic about his lost love with his ex, just remember that another woman is being thought of in a positive way, which should make you happy and joyful for her. Plus, it proves that another lady has succesfully gotten into that last frontier of his heart. So....there's hope for you yet.

Mr. Can't Stop Talking About What He's Gonna Do To You...And Can't

Everyone loves a dirty talker. Words are power and power is sexy. Unfortunately, there are a pleuthora of gentleman out there who have words for days and nothing to back it up. True, when you actually get it on with them it's like watching the minutes change on your digital alarm clock, but the bright side is that their vivid imaginations and fantastical scenarios can be put to use in your next relationship. They're also at least subconsciously aware of their inferiority and may try to make it up in ways of which you definitely approve. Wink.

Mr. Control Freak

Some men are obsessed with running your life and your world. If you're an independent thinker like me, this is a huge red flag. However, I encourage you to embrace this man. Ask him straight out if he wants control of your life. If he insists that he does, in fact, want to run your ship, immediately begin faxing scanned copies of your most pressing bills to his email account. If he wants to pick the restaurant, order for you, tell you what to do and insist you take his advice, then he can just take all the responsibility of your life and everybody wins.

Mr. Loves The Drank

Ahh, nothing like an alcoholic in the morning. Men who drink too much can often be mean, rude, vile and irresponsible. However, they're terribly fun at parties. You might cop one of these around holiday season to stunt with during your party rounds. However, just remember you'll have to adopt the Cinderella schedule--drunks' charms often wear off around midnight.

Mr. Mama's Boy

What can be wrong with a man who loves his mother? Of course, we tend to get nervous when he talks to him mom on the phone all day on the way to see her, feels comfortable being present and having a conversation with her while she's in the shower or on the toilet, and references her in absolutely everything he says. I, however, encourage these relationships. There are nothing but wonderful things to say about a man who treasures the woman who brought him into the world. And once again, he's clearly capable of commitment.

Mr. Hasn't Grown Up And Has No Immediate Plans To Do So

There's nothing wrong with a man in touch with his inner kid. So what if he habitually skips work to play video games and calls his friends from the dinner table to talk about music videos? He's fun and he always has great weed and plenty of malt liquor (yum!). Plus, if you do anything illegal ever or your credit score looks like a pre-experiment SAT score from Flowers for Algernon, he so won't judge.

Mr. Needy

He calls constantly, cries more often than you do, and when you're in bed you always have to hold him. But you must admit he says the sweetest things and is always buying you something to make up for not being the man you really need. Stick it out and you might get a nice vacay out of the situation.

Mr. Spread Incredibly Thin

So this guy nails everything with two breasts and a lady part. After checking out all his tests, just enjoy the fact that he probably knows what he's doing. If you're into that sort of thing, that is.

This is to be continued. There are so many types to avoid embrace and so little time...

(Disclaimer: this is very tongue-in-cheek; please do not run out and get some ex-con and tell me it's my fault when he cleans you out).

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