Friday, May 2, 2008

First Time's The Charm

"she said it feels like her very first time/she said it feels like her very first time..."--The Dream

"remember that evening/i knew that you were too scared to go all the way/you were cryin it was raining when you gave it to me..."--Jon B.

"i see her/i want her/gotta have her like/nikes fresh out the box..."--Mario

Maybe I'm missing something. I'm speaking as a woman now. I say this because often I feel that I still speak as a girl. My age is not what it used to be in society; a lot of young women my age are kind of mired in a perpetually girlish mode--I personally admit I tend to revel in my ability to channel my 23 year-old self and have no immediate plans to "grow up". But right now, I speak as a woman who's been having sex/smashin/crushin/bonin/ooh wee/gettin it/making love for seven years. And I still haven't reached my sexual peak (something to look forward to!!). I'm old enough to not be able to vividly remember every single time I've had sex in my life (although I'm fortunate to be able to remember everyone), and yet young enough to still able to vividly recall my first time.

I admit I'm PMS'ing. But yesterday, I was on the treadmill at the gym when "Falsetto" came on my iPod. I like this song, but I found myself disturbed by the bridge, in which The Dream (who, let's face it, sounds like Tevin Campbell used to look), is warbling "she said it feels like her very first time" over and over like it's the sexiest thing since red drawers and pumps. It made me think of all the other songs, movies, and comments by public figures about women and their "first times". It's something that comes up more often than we acknowledge, and plenty of men have created some type of ludicrous barometer of feminine virtuosity that has to do with being relatively inexperienced and, in my opinion, not terribly interested in sex. Because, of course, if they are interested in sex they're "freaks", which spells "h-o."

Come on, people, it's the 21st century.

I'm bothered by this utopian male view of and unnatural fixation with the apparent Holy Grail of sex, the "First Time". I'm bothered by it's starring role in hip-hop music and pop culture. I really, really need to understand when the hell losing your virginity became something fun that you want to recreate with someone new later. I understand the concept of wishing it was your first time with a new love or the love of your life, but honestly, who really wants the pain and anxiety of the first time to creep into any subsequent sexual escapades? Seriously. The first time I had sex, I shook so badly my teeth chattered and I broke out in goosebumps that stayed on my skin the entire eight minutes. Yes, you read right: eight. He had to ask me if I wanted to stop like three times. I couldn't be more thankful that I never have to revisit that nightmare ever again. Had I more foresight at 19, I would have done it way differently by not only choosing a different person, but a different location and I would have done it at a different (later) age. If, at my age, I'm still lying there wishing I was in a different place with a different person wishing anything else was different, then something is very wrong--with me.

What is the fixation with virginity and all these other ridiculous notions about ladies and lovemaking? Is it the insecurity created in men by the thought that someone else may have been better than them? It is the uncertainty of how a woman really feels about how they put it down? Because hiding behind all these pretty melodies and cute little metaphors is a damnation of grown women with a sexual history past middle school masturbation and, piggybacking on that, a downright celebration of women who will put up with just about anything sexually. When I hear these lyrics and read these articles, I look at these men and think "do they really still make you?" Are we honestly still persecuting women for their pasts and choices about sex and, in a larger sense, love? What man is looking for an untouched grown woman that doesn't know a thing about sex except that she wants to have it with him? I'm over it. There are some simple truths about female sexuality that men need to acknowledge, if not just for their own edification, then for the younger generation. And this attack goes beyond the objectification in contemporary music, this is a direct attack on anything in our culture that deals with women and sex in way that's demeaning and unrealistic.

As a man, you should desire a woman, a true woman with all of her flaws and mistakes along with her triumphs, talents and virtues. What is wonderful about women is the fullness of us, the complexities, the layers, the highs and the lows. There is so much beauty in being a woman, and for men, having one. There's absolutely nothing wrong with virgins--we were all virgins at one point or another--but putting a 30 year-old woman in your video for a ditty referencing some chaste PYT is just stupid. Point blank: if it feels like the "First Time", you are probably just lame and habitually find yourself trying to dirty talk over the fact that you don't know what you're doing. Hoping it feels like that to her is right up there with asking if she has reached orgasm. If either occurs, there is a problem--with you. And further, even really good girls have probably performed oral sex before. If you don't like that, do it yourself.

And once again, just to be safe, cornrows are not foreplay.


TheRoWill said...

Take that, R. Kelly!

court said...

LMAO! "let me do like it's your fist time" isn't the only lame ass saying that guys say....the list goes on and on....