Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Last Line of Defense

"if i didn't kick his ass every day, [Bill] wouldn't be worth anything..."--Hillary Clinton

("and you...you're gonna LOVE me...")

After nearly six months of speculating exactly what kind of monster BIC mutation Hillary Clinton really is, it's become apparent that she is truly the BIC that won't let a man break up with her. Everyone knows a BIC like this: the boyfriend tells her "I don't think it's gonna work out; I think we're better off apart" [Iowa] and her kneejerk response is "Why not!? Yes, it is! It is going to work; you're not trying hard enough. What can I do?" The man hems and haws because really, he just wants her to go away, but she's just been around so long that he can't just write her off.

Sensing that he's serious about this decision to end things, the BIC gets crafty and screws him senseless [New Hampshire] so he can remember what he'll be missing out on if he really tries to kick her to the curb. Said boyfriend sighs and zips up his pants, resolving not to be bamboozled or distracted again. He begins flagrantly dating other women [Super Tuesday], to which she decides to turn a blind eye and focus on their upcoming anniversary [Pennsylvania] and how to make that special enough that he'll change his mind. Knowing that the anniversary is approaching and also knowing that he really does love her, he just can't stand her, he decides to go easy on her and tell her she'll always be his first love, it's just that he's met someone else that's better for him. Of course, BIC being BIC, this doesn't go over well at all, and she begins a disgusting campaign to win back his affection. She calls [superdelegates], texts at all times of the night [attack ads], emails incessantly [emails] and even has her loudest, most ignorant girlfriends call him to stay on his case [Bill]. Growing irritated, he begins ignoring her in an effort to be with the person with whom he wants to be. He will not, repeat not be in this relationship.

And so, desperate...she gets pregnant [Pennsylvania].

Of course, he's still not going to be with her. But now, he unfortunately has to humor and be nice to her until she gives birth, at which time he will love his child but despise its mother....catch my drift?

1 comment:

Tyra said...

I voted for Obama....