Tuesday, March 18, 2008

The Daily OMG: From Whence I Come

“Wish I could cut myself until the emotional pain showed thru…but don’t worry I lack the courage & can’t deal with the humiliation.” -Ty

I've dropped her name on here many times before, but now you may truly understand how deep the BIC experience in my life goes. My cousin Tyra, with whom I coined the term "BIC" in 2002 (not '03 as I've previously said), comes from the same gene pool as me. Now, although she and I are first cousins and have spent our lives as though we were the siblings and not her father and my mother, the fact remains that she was raised in the Midwest and I in the South. We went to different types of schools, we hung out at different types of places. And yet, when we would get together during the summer or during the holidays when we were kids, we'd always have some identical outfits, we'd have written poems with the same title. Sometimes it felt almost as if we were twins separated at birth. Well, as always it comes back to the insanity--amongst our striking similarities, we've found in our adulthood that our BIC is often nearly identical. We do some of the same things, unbeknownst to one another until after they're done. We laugh at things at which other people gasp.

This is proof positive that BIC is not just a theory; it is in fact, a scienfitic fact. We often joke that (among other genetic predispositions we possess), the men we eventually marry and with whom we procreate are playing Russian Roulette...since, obviously, we are indeed a little bit crazy. Harmless, but crazy. Hilarious, but crazy. You either love it or hate it. In any case, a hereditary positive is that we both have writing ability. And so it's with great pleasure that I officially introduce the first guest blogpost (it's a long one, but a quick read and besides, we're from a particularly long-winded clan) by my favorite BIC--a girl so wild I've often thought myself the only other woman who can fully appreciate her crazy. Although, I'm sure you will, too.
_____________________________________________________ BIC to me is like chivalry to some other people. It’s the code I live by. It affects decisions I make, my relationships with other people and my actions. On some level, BIC symbolizes self-actualization. It demonstrates my resolve to be true to myself at all costs including the marginal costs of behavior which is generally perceived to be irrational.

Having said this, for me to feel as though some particular action (or usually more accurately reaction) is worthy of being called out as BIC is significant. So take heed when I characterize an entire time period as BIC.

I know that some of my thoughts have been communicated on this blog via Ash, but I felt a proper introduction into my own take on BIC was necessary.

I’m not completely sure how to transition into insanity so forgive me if this is abrupt.

There’s this guy we’ll call Dan because it’s not his name but it’s similar. I am unequivocally in love with him. Problem: he lives in NY and I live in PA. Additionally, though he says we connect “emotionally, mentally and physically” he doesn’t believe it will work completely and permanently because I am too “crazy”, have “too many of the same faults” as he does, and though he won’t say it he believes I am incapable of settling down to the extent he deems necessary. Go figure.

So after much discussion and a borderline ultimatum from me we decided to hook-up while Dan was back in PA visiting. Honestly, great to see him, but I could feel him trying to be distant and it hurt. I’ll say it again, I’m reactionary.

His visit was last week, and by Friday my emotions were completely out of control. This resulted in several ridiculous text messages, and a crazy conversation on Friday.

Highlights of the phone call include: Me telling him I always believed he thought he was better than me;

Me crying (literally) for at least an hour and a half
(particularly funny because this came in response to his comment that I am so much stronger of a person than he is…also probably interesting to people who know me and know I don’t cry in front of other people);

and At least one hang-up for cause (meaning a tantrum on my part).

I suppose I have an obligation at this point to note his willingness to play along.

A sampling of text messages includes:
“My bed still smells like you and when I close my eyes, I can still feel your skin against mine. Wish you were still holding me.”

“Wish I could cut myself until the emotional pain showed thru…but don’t worry I lack the courage & can’t deal with the humiliation.”

and “I’m sorry I can’t keep things as neatly categorized as u”.

Dan really knows me, and has connected with me on a deeper level. I was with him when I found out my grandmother died and he held me while I cried. He understands I am dramatic and emotional. He read my poetry, gave me a journal to write my thoughts in (great impromptu gift), and even infuriated me once by paternalistically declaring that I should shift my focus, abandon my career and focus on (his perceptions of) my literary aspirations. This was further inflammatory as I found him audacious to say how I should spend my future while he opts out.

A BIC can see how my unresolved emotions, dissatisfaction, and borderline depression could drive me to call another guy who might respond more favorably…

So I met this guy who is younger than I am by about four years a few months back. He’s 23, and has all the impulsive insensitivity of a guy his age. Fortunately, we’ve kept things casual both emotionally and physically which affords me the luxury of being more amused by his behavior than hurt or upset.

So I called him Saturday night to shoot the breeze or see if he wanted to get a drink. He answered his phone like this: “Never call me again.” I will admit I was a bit offended and certainly indignant. I was at a loss and hung up the phone as there is no proper response to this. But not to be outdone by this kid, I sent him a text message which said “Cool J”. I added the smiley face because I figured he wanted a reaction, and my indifference might marginally hurt his pride. He’s really not worth fighting for as there is nothing substantial there.

This statement at face value is a little BIC but I’ll take that and let it hang unjustified and unexplained. I sometimes get a sense of people and can find reason in their irrationality. I knew the moment I hung up the phone that he would call me or text me on Monday.

In fairness maybe this is more the result of him telling me last time he pissed me off that he was going to “wait until things blew over to talk to me but he was glad I beat him to it”. That statement made only a couple weeks ago was doubly offensive as I was returning his call and who has this much audacity?

Oh, but he has more audacity….

There’s no way to adequately do him justice without just printing a transcription of our text conversation. It’s a real gem and I’m glad it’s in print so I can relay the insanity.

Him: “What’s up…..I didn’t see u callin like that…u okay?” [Just have to add there’s only that one phone call to him and he’s setting me up for his “defense”]

Me: “Who is this?” [I deleted his number following the unsavory comment, but I had a suspicion it was him.]

Him: “Rockie” [of course I had to change his name for this blog and I decided to give him the name of an epic hero for added comedic effect]

Me: “I erased ur # when u told me 2 never call u again. Remember that? U either have a girl or r completely insane.”

Him: “What?...who r u talking to like that…I didn’t even hve my phone wit me this weekend….get ur story together before u start accusing …aren’t u a lawyer?” [should point out that I spoke with him on Friday night so there’s a level of this statement which is inherently untrue]

Me: “Cool. So its crazy.”

Him: “Crazy?...what’s wrong wit u…I hvn’t done anything wrong to u…ur the wishy washy one…u know where I stand” [Read: “I’m attempting to distract you with an insult. Please take my bait and lose focus.” Also notable his stance has never been made clear.]

Me: “Ill play along. U oughta tell whoever pretended to b u on fri & said u had to get up early @ midnite then called my phone @ 2am & told me never 2 call again on Sat 2 quit playing games”

Him: “That’s was me who said I had to get up early and I called u back later bc I couldn’t sleep…”

Me: “Ur evil twin on sat?”

Him: “Prob my brother…” [Close enough. Lol]

Interestingly to further illustrate my amusement, I will point out that on Saturday after being instructed to never call this guy again, I went out to one of my favorite bars to encounter more male insanity and questionable reactions from myself. Even if I had the urge to contact him, I deleted his number and was unable and I was otherwise occupied…

[I said it before and I’ll say it again] A BIC can see how my unresolved emotions, dissatisfaction, and borderline depression could drive me to another guy who might respond more favorably…

So in true BIC fashion I remain utterly confused about this particular situation. Feeling incredibly vulnerable, rejected and somewhat pathetic I did what any self-respecting Black person would do--I went to the club. (Shoutout to anyone who ever heard the Martin Lawrence stand-up I’m referencing. Lol).

Once there I encountered this African guy who used to deal (in a somewhat elicit fashion) with an acquaintance of mine who is now happily engaged. Being (BIC-ly) alone at the bar I was a sitting target. He approaches and makes his interest known. I am clearly apprehensive but not in a position to completely refute as this would leave me completely alone with no one to talk to. We go dance (anyone who knows me can read into the word “dance” just how intoxicated a BIC was. J).

Fast-forward past his strangely intriguing fascination with the slim amount of flesh revealed between the top of my jeans and the edge of my shirt, and you’ll find one awkward kiss which left me both confused and feeling guilty. I’m not sure how much allegiance I owe my engaged acquaintance, and I know my interest in this guy is based solely on my own feelings of inadequacy. Just so wrong on so many levels. But I was completely captivated by this situation for the whole trip home and the entire 15 minutes between lying in bed (alone) and passing out.

Am I wrong for dealing with a fling of an acquaintance? And if a guy’s main interest in me is simply (for lack of a classier way to phrase this and in an attempt to capture his sentiment) to **ck me, do I owe him anything (or is it fair to use him in exchange…even though he’s clearly not going to meet his goal)?

A BIC can see how my unresolved emotions, dissatisfaction, and borderline depression could drive me to call another guy who might respond more favorably…?????????????

On another BIC note this guy J who lives about three hours from me decided that since it’s his spring break (he teaches handicapped kids) that he wants to come visit me. I have unequivocally decided he’s someone to be friends with but not date. I told him he could come visit the weekend after Easter. This begs the question why.

I just don’t know how to regain control. I’m like something rolling down a hill gaining momentum as it moves. The BIC getting bigger and bigger and bigger as it goes. To paraphrase Ash my “BIC slip” is pissy, stuck to my legs and I just can’t worm my way out of it.

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